- The conditioning in toxic relationships
It starts with a simple sarcastic comment dressed up as a joke, or a request to not meet certain friends, or perhaps, a little denial of a conversation that happened. But that’s just the start. Toxic relationships strip away at the self-esteem and sanity of those experiencing it, until they become conditioned to a shell of a life that offers no real hope.
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Child and Adolescent Family Services Psychologist Senuri Gunawardena (BS, MS) [/caption]
Why do individuals stay in toxic relationships, defend their abusers, and blame themselves? To understand the conditioning behind toxic relationship dynamics, Brunch spoke to Senuri Gunawardena (BS, MS), Psychologist for Child and Adolescent Family Services.
Defining the term for clarity, Gunawardena shared that a toxic relationship is any relationship that lacks support, respect, and the ability to have clear communication and conflict resolution. She explained that the romanticising and celebrating of toxic or even abusive relationships in today’s books and pop culture may have contributed to people mistaking toxicity for passion. “It is important to understand that toxicity is not limited to romantic relationships. Family, friendships, and even professional relationships can be toxic,” she shared.
Noting that even in the case of healthy and secure relationships, there can be moments of conflict, disagreement, and misunderstanding, Gunawardena explained that in the case of a healthy relationship, the “drifting apart” between the parties involved will be minimal, temporary, and followed by a mature and open discussion.
Why do people remain in toxic relationship dynamics?
A question we often ask ourselves when we see a toxic relationship in effect is “why don’t they just leave?” or “why would they put up with that?” The truth is people stay in toxic relationships for many reasons, some emotional, and some practical.
On an emotional level, often, individuals remain in toxic relationships because they have unresolved trauma, or perhaps because they have experienced toxic dynamics at an early age, said Gunawardena. “Our parents are the first ones to make us both laugh and cry, and as we grow up, we subconsciously seek to mimic the kind of bond we shared with our parents, in our adult relationships,” she shared.
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PHOTO © JURIEN HUGGINS ON UNSPLASH [/caption]
Gunawardena explained that a child who may have had an emotionally absent parent, could potentially seek emotionally unavailable partners as an adult subconsciously, because to them, that chase feels like love. Additionally, according to Gunawardena, if a child has felt invalidated, or has had to continuously strive to be a certain version of themself with their parents, in order to feel loved, they may seek to mimic this dynamic in all their other close relationships. “The very first romantic relationship you have, also sets the standard for the nature of your next relationships. Therefore, if you experienced a toxic partner to begin with, you could continue the pattern,” she shared.
Gunawardena also shared that the frequent high-low dynamics in a toxic relationship can condition a person to believe that it is intense love, and eventually lead to codependency and self-abandonment as one individual begins to look for validation from the other. She also explained that sometimes, two people simply mirror each other’s worst traits, and feed off a vicious cycle of toxic energy.
Analysing in-depth about why a person would refuse to walk away from a toxic relationship, Gunawardena said: “Usually the start of a toxic relationship is intense and raw, which generally gets one partner attached to the other, almost fixating on them.” Gunawardena stated that this initial stretch of intense chemistry and “sparks flying”, can convince an individual to hold on to hope that there is the “perfect future” ahead, if only they persevere.
The telltale signs of a toxic relationship
“Love bombing is a red flag to look out for. If somebody is moving too fast at the very beginning of a relationship, one should exercise caution,” Gunawardena shared. Elaborating, she added that love bombing can include pledging love and commitment too early on in a relationship. In the case of familial bonds, it can involve asking for constant updates if a child is outside the house, authoritarian parenting and forms of punishment, all under the pretense of loving a child and wanting the best for them.
She added that other telltale signs include overly possessive, controlling, or jealous behaviour, as well as one’s own deep-seated insecurities then being projected onto the other person. Gunawardena pointed out that words not matching actions is another red flag to look out for, as it can be a strong sign of manipulation and emotional abuse.
On the flip side, she also added that one should be careful if they feel like they trust somebody greatly, after just one date. “If you catch yourself daydreaming about this partner, creating a narrative in your mind, simply looking at potential, or fixating on them, it would be best to step back and really ground yourself in the present reality,” she shared. Gunawardena stated that being easily carried away and attaching intensely to another person, or the inability to place healthy boundaries, be it in family, work, friendships, or romantic relationships, could be indicative of a need for self-work, in order to maintain a healthy level of self-esteem.
Gunawardena elaborated on the difference between seeing potential and being harsh about it. “In family relationships, at work, or even among romantic partners, it is perfectly normal to see potential, and push the other person to achieve it. However, tearing somebody down continuously, being harsh, and only noticing their flaws is toxic,” she shared, adding that it gives the person experiencing it low self-esteem. Unrealistic expectations, constant nitpicking, unhealthy competition, blaming, and gaslighting are all toxic situations, Gunawardena shared. “If you have to walk on eggshells, cannot be yourself or vulnerable, and if you have to always do what is convenient for the other person, the relationship is likely toxic,” she added.
The light at the end of the tunnel
The only solution to dealing with a toxic relationship is generally to walk away, especially if all attempts to establish a healthy dynamic has failed, and get the help and support you need, said Gunawardena, adding that this step, however, is incredibly painful and difficult for most.
“Walking away from a family that is toxic can be much harder than doing so from a romantic partner, friend, or work situation. But family does not always mean that they are the best,” she added. She shared that placing boundaries and separating oneself from family, especially in a country where familial bonds are almost revered, can be incredibly challenging.
Gunawardena also stressed that most people stay in traumatising relationships because you have been conditioned to believe that this is the best you will ever find, and that you are dramatic, none of which is true.
“Ask for help from professional psychologists and support groups. They will help you navigate such situations and eventually, help you to distance yourself. Reach out and make sure you stay among people who care about you. They are essential to your recovery,” she shared.
The people who we allow into our intimate spaces and closest circles contribute to our emotional and mental well-being. Choosing the wrong individuals, remaining with the wrong individuals, and not putting healthy boundaries in place, even if it is with family members, will erode away at our sense of self and congruence. The road to healthy and secure relationships begins with oneself and introspection, and work that needs to be done within, so that our external world aligns with what is truly right for us.
