With the recently witnessed Mrs. Sri Lanka for Mrs. World 2020 debacle where the winner was questioned for her marital status, there has been some talk of the nature of divorce and how dissolving the institution of marriage is viewed in Lankan society.
Divorce proceedings in Sri Lanka are an anxious and painstaking task that inflicts an unjustified amount of societal scrutiny and obstacles on the spouses involved. A divorce affects both parties involved greatly; however, in exploring the nature of these effects, it can be said that the experiences are different for both men and women.
Overall, divorce is viewed as taboo, whether you are a man or a woman, further exemplified by the fact that all but one of the divorcees we reached out to, including both men and women, wished to speak only with the guarantee that they will not be identified, choosing to share their stories anonymously. Even those who claimed that the divorce did not impact their lives all that much, commented that they do not wish to announce to the world their vulnerable state which then opens them up to outside influences that may attempt to take advantage of them.
Divorce is a proceeding usually faced in silence, and once it is done with, the parties involved want to forget it and get on with the next stage of building their lives after a divorce. As a result, these stories and experiences remain untold.
The law of divorce
Before we share the experiences of the men and women who have undergone a divorce, Attorney-at-Law Wathsala Jayasundara shared with us the legal procedure one must adhere to when seeking a divorce in Sri Lanka.
She stated that the Marriage Registration Ordinance and the Civil Procedure Code constitute the general law on divorce, and that the provisions of the Ordinance firmly establish divorce as fault-based, adding that case law has reaffirmed this concept.
In Sri Lanka, the “fault” is limited to three grounds for divorce: adultery, malicious desertion where the party at fault leaves the matrimonial home, and incurable impotence at the time of marriage. An aggrieved spouse may recover damages from the person with whom adultery is committed. Legal proceedings also deal with claims of alimony and also physical and legal custody of children of the marriage who are 18 years or younger and maintenance for such children.
Jayasundara commented that part of the stigma comes from the legal system, where the two individuals are also pitted against each other by framing divorce proceedings as an adversarial contest. This unnecessarily complicates a difficult, often traumatic, personal and social experience of deciding to separate. It introduces a legal blame game, reinforces animosity towards each other, and creates winners and losers where there really shouldn’t be any such result.
In our country, we cannot choose to dissolve a marriage by citing irreconcilable differences. We can only seek a divorce by blaming the other person. Unlike placing a signature and being married, divorce insists on legal papers, a courtroom, and a blame game.
Is it really different for men and women?
We reached out to well-known vocal trainer and women’s rights advocate Kumudini David, who shared with us her experience as a divorcee in Sri Lanka and what she underwent following her experience.
David, sharing her personal experiences, stated that during her first divorce, she truly felt like a fish out of water; she felt vulnerable and much like an open wound. She stated that as a woman, she saw she was now viewed as a piece of meat in shark-infested waters and that it was open season for anyone looking for “free sex”. She said that often she would receive shameless propositions from men, both single and married, adding that all of them were of the view that here is an unfortunate woman who is lonely and without a sexual partner, believing they are in fact doing her a favour by offering up their “services”.
She did mention, however, that this aspect of being viewed as vulnerable is not only applicable to women but that for most men too, it is a different form of preying. David said that there are all types of predators who prey on the weak. For men, she said, divorcees would often be financially stable individuals – or at least they are viewed as such, as they would be at a mature age and have stable jobs with families – and are often targeted by “gold diggers”, specifically on the lookout for a particularly vulnerable catch.
Sharing his story, a gentleman who wished to remain anonymous for the sake of his ex-wife, shared that in his case, leaving out the emotional trauma of having to undergo the separation from a lifelong partner, his experience was nowhere near the trouble his ex-partner had to endure. He said that to this day, even though they have been legally divorced for two years, his former partner’s mother is unaware of it, as his ex-wife believes it would cause her mother too much grief.
He said his ex-wife grapples with the judgment that is directed at her daily, as their landlord would call him whenever she has visitors over, informing him of her actions and choices of companions, and expecting him to be outraged. He said that from what he can see, while society looks at him as an unfortunate person who has had to undergo something difficult, his ex is viewed as someone who has failed in her duty as a woman, despite her being a successful, independent person.
It’s more damaging than you think
While social judgement is ever-present in Sri Lanka in almost whatever one does, the way divorce is viewed and treated is doing a lot more harm than what we might think.
Attorney-at-Law Jayasundara shared that divorce proceedings are conducted in open court. There is no privacy of those going through a divorce. She said that there are instances where the man would agree to being the one at fault, so that the woman has a “clean record” and her prospects of a future marriage are not jeopardised, which reaffirms gender stereotypes – of it being okay for men to be adulterers or desert a marriage, while a higher standard of faultless behaviour and a good reputation is expected of women.
She said that most women are so ashamed of seeking a divorce that they do not ask for alimony or apply for maintenance fees, or ask for the bare minimum out of fear that the matter may be contested and they would have to take the stand.
In what is known as an uncontested divorce in Sri Lanka, Jayasundara stated that in an attempt to escape the experience of getting divorced, litigants in district courts, with the intent of avoiding the challenges of a long-drawn-out court procedure, agree that one will file the case and the other will not contest it, thereby leaving the judge with the option to grant the divorce on the basis that basic grounds for divorce are technically satisfied. To ensure that there is no contest, the least objectionable ground of malicious desertion is usually put forward. She stated, however, that even in this uncontested process, there is still procedure and the need to place blame and someone to assume blame, making it an overall unpleasant process for all parties involved.
Getting divorced in Sri Lanka: A public spectacle and a blame game
25 Apr 2021
Getting divorced in Sri Lanka: A public spectacle and a blame game
25 Apr 2021
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