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Homo Vinculum; the one who bonds: Intricacies of attachment styles in the pandemic 

26 Jun 2021

Humans are social beings. We crave connection, affection and attention. The pandemic has dealt us a rough hand - while some of us cannot see our loved ones in person, others find that they face the opposite problem of being forced into quarters that are too close, and this underlines some of the more challenging aspects of our attachment styles. An attachment style is how we perceive people in our relationships, how we form attachments, and how we want to be bonded with them.  When people with different attachment styles bond, incompatibilities in attachment style can often lead to friction, and there can often be a tendency to pathologise those of certain attachment styles - to treat them as though their attachment style is a condition or disease to be overcome. It is vital to look at those around you as a whole person and understand that attachment stems from circumstances often outside their (and your) control. Brunch spoke to Counselling Psychologist Nivendra Uduman to learn more about the complex and multi-faceted interplay between attachment styles, their origins and how they present in relationships, particularly against a complicated social backdrop like the pandemic.    [caption id="attachment_145712" align="alignright" width="466"] “As humans, we are born with a brain wired for connection. Being able to connect is important for our survival. However, when the primary attachments we form as children are problematic, and consist of for example, unpredictable and disorganised patterns, we may develop attachment styles that are unhealthy or insecure as adults.” Psychologist Nivendra Uduman[/caption] What is attachment? An attachment is simply placing an individual in the context of a relationship. Our attachments begin in infancy with our primary caregivers. As humans, we are born with a brain wired for connection. Being able to connect is important for our survival. However, when the primary attachments we form as children are problematic, and consist of for example, unpredictable and disorganised patterns, we may develop attachment styles that are unhealthy or insecure as adults. The Latin term Homo Vinculum meaning ‘the one who bonds’ is a really nice way of expressing attachment. We regulate ourselves through our attachments with others. When the attachment style is secure, it helps the nervous system calm down. For instance, if your demeanour is calm and friendly as I speak to you, my nervous system will reciprocate the same. If you appear stressed or hostile, my own nervous system will reciprocate that. This is a subconscious process that happens because of our mirror neurons.    What are the different attachment styles? There is secure attachment; which is the healthy regulation of one’s emotions, anxious attachment, avoidant attachment and disorganised/fearful attachment.  Anxious and avoidant attachment styles are characterised by a push-pull dynamic. There is a deep yearning for closeness and connection while at the same time, connection can also be very overwhelming and scary, due to the fear of abandonment. If primary caregivers have been unpredictable, the anxious attachment style will be hypervigilant for the slightest signs that somebody is ‘checking out’ of a relationship. They can become overbearing and need constant reassurance, and so they pull. For an avoidant attachment style, they will push people away because of the fear of abandonment and the need to protect oneself from getting hurt. They dismiss and shut people down for that reason.  Disorganised attachment displays a paradox where the source of fear and the solution is both the caregiver. This attachment stems from being traumatised as a child. Therefore, their relationships are very chaotic. Anxious, avoidant and disorganised attachment styles can put an individual at risk of developing other mental health conditions such as depression, PTSD or anxiety.    How does insecure and secure attachment originate? When there is predictability, accessibility and emotional responsiveness or engagement from a caregiver towards an infant, the nervous system regulates itself securely. But when there is unpredictability, helicopter parenting or threatening behaviour towards an infant, their nervous system now becomes one that is always scanning for potential threat. This makes the regulation of emotions difficult, which will continue in their adult dynamics as well. For somebody who has a secure attachment style, being away from a loved one, or being with them all the time in a lockdown will be more tolerable.    How do all these different styles of attachment fit into the context of the pandemic?  Any child, family or relationship, whether romantic or otherwise, with a secure attachment style will find themselves self-regulating with ease. They will deepen their bond with each other, enjoy doing activities together and maintain their alone time as well. A secure attachment style can tolerate distance, space and ambiguity because there is a secure foundation to their relationships.  An anxious attachment style will play out being overly careful and almost obsessive about family members or loved ones not leaving the house because of their fear that they will fall ill or be taken to a quarantine center. The ‘shadow pandemic’ of domestic violence we are experiencing has a lot to do with disorganised and anxious attachment styles where hypervigilance creates tension in relationships. They feel that people are checking out, not attracted to them sexually and so on, which ultimately leads to domestic violence. These individuals push hard for closeness.  With avoidants, we see people shutting off others completely. Before the pandemic, there were routes of escape while now, they are forced to be with people at very close quarters.  Therefore, they either completely dismiss others and their feelings, or self-isolate to a level that puts them at risk for other mental health issues. These individuals push for closeness, but the moment they become close they pull back because the closeness overwhelmes them.    Is there a tendency of the anxious attachment style to attract an avoidant?  I wouldn’t say that this is a universal truth, but the tendency is present. An anxious person tends to contain their anxiety in the form of bonding with an avoidant person, because an avoidant is not reactive like the anxious person. They tend to give without limits to an avoidant. If two people with the same attachment style come together, the amount of tension will be immense. Anxious and avoidants are opposites that attract each other.    Is it correct to label an avoidant as a narcissist because of their challenge in feeling empathy? While there is truth to some terminology, it’s not black and white. Behind the narcissism is a lot of pain and the facade they throw up covers the inadequacies they feel about themselves. On the other hand, when children have been over-indulged by parents with praise that is not deserved, children can grow up with a sense of entitlement, which carries on into adult relationships. They want to be the centre of attention and if they feel a person is checking out, they would try to ‘hoover’ them in like a vacuum cleaner. Let’s be careful with terminology and observe the person holistically with their issues rather than simply labelling somebody.    How can one ground themselves and be self-aware of their attachment style in a lockdown situation? In any situation, healthy boundaries are important. We have family institutions where it's normal for parents to read the diary of a child, or come into their room without knocking. So our take on boundaries can be somewhat unhealthy. Having healthy conversations, asking the other person what they need, expressing your feelings in a healthy and composed manner, using technology to maintain contact, and pacing yourself out, are some ways to deal with this. Boundaries allow a relationship and both parties involved to grow both together and individually.  In general, I want to stress that attachment styles should not be pathologised. There are people who have overcome insecure attachment styles. There is mental health help available very freely today that we can access. Additionally, let’s not think that attachment is negative. When you connect with somebody you are creating inter-dependence. The key is to not become codependent.    Our experiences contribute to who we become. Of course, we have the autonomy to decide who we want to be. But the path towards congruence within us, is often lined with briars and boulders. As a people that has seen turbulence from civil war to poverty, abuse to suicide and more, what is required is an open mindset to accept the narrative of another, and not pathologise their needs in a relationship, just as it is important to have the presence of mind to draw healthy boundaries. Before we label somebody as needy, clingy, insecure or narcissistic, let’s ask ‘what happened?’. Before we dismiss and discard let’s think, should I help? After all, we are Homo Vinculum. Our ability to bond is what defines us. 

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Discover Kapruka, the leading online shopping platform in Sri Lanka, where you can conveniently send Gifts and Flowers to your loved ones for any event. Explore a wide range of popular Shopping Categories on Kapruka, including Toys, Groceries, Electronics, Birthday Cakes, Fruits, Chocolates, Automobile, Mother and Baby Products, Clothing, and Fashion. Additionally, Kapruka offers unique online services like Money Remittance, Astrology, Medicine Delivery, and access to over 700 Top Brands. Also If you’re interested in selling with Kapruka, Partner Central by Kapruka is the best solution to start with. Moreover, through Kapruka Global Shop, you can also enjoy the convenience of purchasing products from renowned platforms like Amazon and eBay and have them delivered to Sri Lanka.Send love straight to their heart this Valentine's with our thoughtful gifts!


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