By Vanessa Mendis
There are two things we’ve all heard about dating in the current world. “It’s crazy out there, the dating pool is terrible”, or, “I don’t think I want to invest, or commit. You can’t trust anybody”. But in between these two, everyone’s trying to build a human connection, be it finding their “perfect other” or something temporary. Either way, putting yourself out there is brave and takes real guts.
And so, we got candid with three individuals about the roller coaster world of hook-ups, dating apps, and friends with benefits – writer, journalist, and advocate of the period cup Nadeesha Paulis; Magic Box Mixup vocalist Shaun Perera-de Mel; and life coach and fine artist Yasodhara Pathanjali. Here’s what they shared with us.
[caption id="attachment_128126" align="alignright" width="383"]
"You can’t change toxic people. Don’t become their guardian. They’re not your project to work on" Writer, journalist, and advocate of the period cup Nadeesha Paulis[/caption]
What’s your take on the hook-up culture and friends with benefits scenario?
Nadeesha: I personally don’t like the term “hook-up”, but then a friend of mine later taught me that “hook-up” is a blanket term without definition. Either way, I don’t like the overly temporary nature of it that lacks depth. If I am going to be intimate with somebody, even if we never meet again, I feel that there needs to be depth without ego clashes and coldness. Adulting is so hard as it is without the added pressure of having to pretend and have no depth. We’re all inherently seeking that connection, but I guess it just doesn’t work that way and egos and defence mechanisms get in the way. I think we should find love, sex, and connection in whatever capacity we can without all these agendas. I encourage people to seek genuine connections and don’t hurt each other. Casual is not cold.
There is a lot of talk on how hooking up and having friends with benefits can be toxic. Do you agree?
Yasodhara: There has to be great communication that is honest and really heart-to-heart. If that’s there without room for guessing and assuming, and as long as both people are consensual adults and happy, toxicity doesn’t come in. I know many who have not communicated and then that becomes toxic. If there’s a negative emotional impact, you either need to rework the negotiation or walk away. When we say friends with benefits, the word friend there indicates an emotional bond already. This toxicity can be there in any kind of relationship, even marriage. If you’re giving more than 50%, that’s unhealthy. I gave about 85% in my previous marriage for 12 years. Regardless of gender, the thought where “you should be selfless and give more” is utter garbage. If you aren’t being met halfway, walk away. There are no gender rules to this. Even if it's a one-night stand, it has to be healthy. Healthy is not something that only applies to long-term commitments.
[caption id="attachment_128125" align="alignleft" width="371"]
"When you are friends with benefits or hooking up with somebody, once the beginning is past, there can be something more there and you can be aware of it. The companionship and the bond can come into play. But, we may step away from it going anywhere further, just because we are afraid of the complications, especially if you are seeing multiple people" Magic Box Mixup vocalist Shaun Perera-de Mel[/caption]
Do you believe that hooking up and friends with benefits can evolve into something more?
Shaun: Yes. I have had friends with benefits, I have hooked up, and there comes a time when you think that it's time to settle now, for you at least. But you have to be safe. As humans we have a tendency to complicate things with bonding and connecting. So you can have fun, but also be safe while at it. When you are friends with benefits or hooking up with somebody, once the beginning is past, there can be something more there and you can be aware of it. The companionship and the bond can come into play. But, we may step away from it going anywhere further, just because we are afraid of the complications, especially if you are seeing multiple people. I think it takes some experimenting and realising whether both parties can meet and be on the same page. That takes clear and open communication. For some it's a process, for some it's easy. It's all about how we individually handle it. It's also about learning as you go and bettering yourself.
Narcissism is a term often used with the dark side of casual relationships. Your thoughts?
Nadeesha: We all go through trauma growing up and we always try to seek love whether we know it or not. But how we deal with our trauma is key. If we have not healed right, we accept low-quality behaviour thinking it's what we deserve. Narcissists are the same to everybody. Most people will cut them off, but a person who tolerates narcissism is one who believes that they deserve it. They don’t know what their definition of love is. We have abandonment issues and traumatic or abusive experiences. So when we don’t heal, we end up attracting the same kind of relationship. To them, that is love.
The world has a lot of bad in it, but we can take personal responsibility to look after ourselves. I know people who are immensely evolved in all other aspects of life, save for their relationships. That’s because it needs inner work and even therapeutic help to identify where the issue is. Talk to your friends and get perspective. Listen when your friends tell you when something feels like it’s bad for you. You may not see it, but they will. You can’t change toxic people. Don’t become their guardian. They’re not your project to work on. I come from a troubled childhood and my parents are divorced. So I actively define what love is to me and step away from anything that feels wrong.
Shaun: It’s possible that narcissism is a byproduct of what people have gone through. But don't they really care? Perhaps not. Maybe that’s them being in survival mode, and protecting themselves. But when it's overly done, it becomes narcissism because you are not aware. You are in your own bubble.
[caption id="attachment_128123" align="alignright" width="371"]
"Even if it's a one-night stand, it has to be healthy. Healthy is not something that only applies to long-term commitments" Life coach and fine artist Yasodhara Pathanjali[/caption]
Is there a disparity in emotional expression between men and women in casual dating that leads to unrequited expectations?
Yasodhara: Two things. There’s social conditioning. Women are brought up taught how to feel empathetic and be more vocal about emotions, whereas when men feel those same emotions, they are more likely to shut them down. Here’s the thing. People make up their minds about you in first impressions and in a matter of days. So if within the first couple of months somebody doesn’t see how awesome you are, months and years won’t do the trick. Stop expecting and pouring your time, effort, and love into something that is unhealthy for you right now, because it won’t get healthy later. Walk away – I love saying that. The hardship is short-lived, the gains you receive from choosing to walk away are very long term. It's not easy. I have been a homeless mother with two children, but walking away was the right choice regardless.
Gaslighting is another term used in casual relationships. Is it being thrown about a little too much?
Yasodhara: Yes and no. Our generation is sitting in a very precarious place in time. Our awareness for mental health and toxicity is better than previous generations. But, we also grew up very much programmed into those behaviours. So we still inflict these upon other people; it’s just that we now have terms that define the behaviours. Terms are being misused, yes, but we do need these words now to keep the conversation going to hopefully eradicate these for the future generations. But the real way to tackle gaslighting is to also look within and see if I am doing these things myself in any relationship – casual or otherwise. When you notice these tendencies, change them.
What is your take on dating apps and do you personally use it?
Nadeesha: I personally don’t believe in dating apps and the majority of people I meet are via social media – especially Instagram. That’s a platform where I’m vocal; I have unshaven armpits and I am open about periods. So if anybody is still approaching me, that is a green light.
Yasodhara: Yes, I know a lot of people who have met each other through Tinder and Bumble; the latter is big right now. I had a two-week Tinder rampage while I was going through my divorce and it's not what it sounds like. I had lost confidence after 12 years of marriage, I didn’t know who I was and what I had to offer. I went on 12 dates over 12 days and it was helpful. Dating apps give you diversity. It also built my confidence and helped me reacquaint with the world. I met my current husband on Facebook as well. Explore every avenue!
Shaun: I’m on Tinder, and funnily enough, on Grindr too. I also think social media is helpful to connect to people because you can do more research on who you’re connecting with. I’ve met so many people on Facebook and Instagram. Tinder was really unsuccessful for me though.
If you had to give a message to those who experiment with dating, what would it be?
Yasodhara: Don’t be ashamed of it and don’t hide it. Forget the societal rules and enjoy what you are experiencing.
Shaun: Do your research, meet them, talk to them, and make sure you are aware of how you react to them in a social environment. Have a good time and be open.
Nadeesha: Before seeking stimulation from others, be grounded in yourself. Don’t come from a place of lack. Media shows us that friends with benefits can end up in marriage, but that may not necessarily translate to real life. This expectation can stop you from having a good time. I can cook for you, and still not expect a relationship. But please communicate and don’t make the other person feel used.
Opening doors for others to come into our lives requires courage, so does being vulnerable and honest. A lot of the genuine feelings that we may share for another person get lost in translation because we have walls, our coping and defence mechanisms, and trust issues. But if we were to express clearly, state boundaries healthily, and respect each other regardless of the nature of our connection with them, perhaps we can build meaningful friendships and relationships. But most of all, we perhaps need to understand that as human beings we are all flawed and that we will make mistakes. How we choose to learn and grow and respect another in our relationships, no matter how casual, can change a lot. Our words and actions impact others. They always have, they always will. Photos: Krishan Kariyawasam and Saman Abesiriwardana
"You can’t change toxic people. Don’t become their guardian. They’re not your project to work on" Writer, journalist, and advocate of the period cup Nadeesha Paulis[/caption]
What’s your take on the hook-up culture and friends with benefits scenario?
Nadeesha: I personally don’t like the term “hook-up”, but then a friend of mine later taught me that “hook-up” is a blanket term without definition. Either way, I don’t like the overly temporary nature of it that lacks depth. If I am going to be intimate with somebody, even if we never meet again, I feel that there needs to be depth without ego clashes and coldness. Adulting is so hard as it is without the added pressure of having to pretend and have no depth. We’re all inherently seeking that connection, but I guess it just doesn’t work that way and egos and defence mechanisms get in the way. I think we should find love, sex, and connection in whatever capacity we can without all these agendas. I encourage people to seek genuine connections and don’t hurt each other. Casual is not cold.
There is a lot of talk on how hooking up and having friends with benefits can be toxic. Do you agree?
Yasodhara: There has to be great communication that is honest and really heart-to-heart. If that’s there without room for guessing and assuming, and as long as both people are consensual adults and happy, toxicity doesn’t come in. I know many who have not communicated and then that becomes toxic. If there’s a negative emotional impact, you either need to rework the negotiation or walk away. When we say friends with benefits, the word friend there indicates an emotional bond already. This toxicity can be there in any kind of relationship, even marriage. If you’re giving more than 50%, that’s unhealthy. I gave about 85% in my previous marriage for 12 years. Regardless of gender, the thought where “you should be selfless and give more” is utter garbage. If you aren’t being met halfway, walk away. There are no gender rules to this. Even if it's a one-night stand, it has to be healthy. Healthy is not something that only applies to long-term commitments.
[caption id="attachment_128125" align="alignleft" width="371"] "When you are friends with benefits or hooking up with somebody, once the beginning is past, there can be something more there and you can be aware of it. The companionship and the bond can come into play. But, we may step away from it going anywhere further, just because we are afraid of the complications, especially if you are seeing multiple people" Magic Box Mixup vocalist Shaun Perera-de Mel[/caption]
Do you believe that hooking up and friends with benefits can evolve into something more?
Shaun: Yes. I have had friends with benefits, I have hooked up, and there comes a time when you think that it's time to settle now, for you at least. But you have to be safe. As humans we have a tendency to complicate things with bonding and connecting. So you can have fun, but also be safe while at it. When you are friends with benefits or hooking up with somebody, once the beginning is past, there can be something more there and you can be aware of it. The companionship and the bond can come into play. But, we may step away from it going anywhere further, just because we are afraid of the complications, especially if you are seeing multiple people. I think it takes some experimenting and realising whether both parties can meet and be on the same page. That takes clear and open communication. For some it's a process, for some it's easy. It's all about how we individually handle it. It's also about learning as you go and bettering yourself.
Narcissism is a term often used with the dark side of casual relationships. Your thoughts?
Nadeesha: We all go through trauma growing up and we always try to seek love whether we know it or not. But how we deal with our trauma is key. If we have not healed right, we accept low-quality behaviour thinking it's what we deserve. Narcissists are the same to everybody. Most people will cut them off, but a person who tolerates narcissism is one who believes that they deserve it. They don’t know what their definition of love is. We have abandonment issues and traumatic or abusive experiences. So when we don’t heal, we end up attracting the same kind of relationship. To them, that is love.
The world has a lot of bad in it, but we can take personal responsibility to look after ourselves. I know people who are immensely evolved in all other aspects of life, save for their relationships. That’s because it needs inner work and even therapeutic help to identify where the issue is. Talk to your friends and get perspective. Listen when your friends tell you when something feels like it’s bad for you. You may not see it, but they will. You can’t change toxic people. Don’t become their guardian. They’re not your project to work on. I come from a troubled childhood and my parents are divorced. So I actively define what love is to me and step away from anything that feels wrong.
Shaun: It’s possible that narcissism is a byproduct of what people have gone through. But don't they really care? Perhaps not. Maybe that’s them being in survival mode, and protecting themselves. But when it's overly done, it becomes narcissism because you are not aware. You are in your own bubble.
[caption id="attachment_128123" align="alignright" width="371"] "Even if it's a one-night stand, it has to be healthy. Healthy is not something that only applies to long-term commitments" Life coach and fine artist Yasodhara Pathanjali[/caption]
Is there a disparity in emotional expression between men and women in casual dating that leads to unrequited expectations?
Yasodhara: Two things. There’s social conditioning. Women are brought up taught how to feel empathetic and be more vocal about emotions, whereas when men feel those same emotions, they are more likely to shut them down. Here’s the thing. People make up their minds about you in first impressions and in a matter of days. So if within the first couple of months somebody doesn’t see how awesome you are, months and years won’t do the trick. Stop expecting and pouring your time, effort, and love into something that is unhealthy for you right now, because it won’t get healthy later. Walk away – I love saying that. The hardship is short-lived, the gains you receive from choosing to walk away are very long term. It's not easy. I have been a homeless mother with two children, but walking away was the right choice regardless.
Gaslighting is another term used in casual relationships. Is it being thrown about a little too much?
Yasodhara: Yes and no. Our generation is sitting in a very precarious place in time. Our awareness for mental health and toxicity is better than previous generations. But, we also grew up very much programmed into those behaviours. So we still inflict these upon other people; it’s just that we now have terms that define the behaviours. Terms are being misused, yes, but we do need these words now to keep the conversation going to hopefully eradicate these for the future generations. But the real way to tackle gaslighting is to also look within and see if I am doing these things myself in any relationship – casual or otherwise. When you notice these tendencies, change them.
What is your take on dating apps and do you personally use it?
Nadeesha: I personally don’t believe in dating apps and the majority of people I meet are via social media – especially Instagram. That’s a platform where I’m vocal; I have unshaven armpits and I am open about periods. So if anybody is still approaching me, that is a green light.
Yasodhara: Yes, I know a lot of people who have met each other through Tinder and Bumble; the latter is big right now. I had a two-week Tinder rampage while I was going through my divorce and it's not what it sounds like. I had lost confidence after 12 years of marriage, I didn’t know who I was and what I had to offer. I went on 12 dates over 12 days and it was helpful. Dating apps give you diversity. It also built my confidence and helped me reacquaint with the world. I met my current husband on Facebook as well. Explore every avenue!
Shaun: I’m on Tinder, and funnily enough, on Grindr too. I also think social media is helpful to connect to people because you can do more research on who you’re connecting with. I’ve met so many people on Facebook and Instagram. Tinder was really unsuccessful for me though.
If you had to give a message to those who experiment with dating, what would it be?
Yasodhara: Don’t be ashamed of it and don’t hide it. Forget the societal rules and enjoy what you are experiencing.
Shaun: Do your research, meet them, talk to them, and make sure you are aware of how you react to them in a social environment. Have a good time and be open.
Nadeesha: Before seeking stimulation from others, be grounded in yourself. Don’t come from a place of lack. Media shows us that friends with benefits can end up in marriage, but that may not necessarily translate to real life. This expectation can stop you from having a good time. I can cook for you, and still not expect a relationship. But please communicate and don’t make the other person feel used.
Opening doors for others to come into our lives requires courage, so does being vulnerable and honest. A lot of the genuine feelings that we may share for another person get lost in translation because we have walls, our coping and defence mechanisms, and trust issues. But if we were to express clearly, state boundaries healthily, and respect each other regardless of the nature of our connection with them, perhaps we can build meaningful friendships and relationships. But most of all, we perhaps need to understand that as human beings we are all flawed and that we will make mistakes. How we choose to learn and grow and respect another in our relationships, no matter how casual, can change a lot. Our words and actions impact others. They always have, they always will. Photos: Krishan Kariyawasam and Saman Abesiriwardana