By Shakira Shareef
What can you learn from the famous novel – ‘It Ends with Us’ by Colleen Hoover?
“Why do you stay with him even after all of these?” “Can’t you just leave him?” “Ask for a divorce, maybe?” “Why do you put up with all of these?”
You and I could have raised such questions at some point in our lives. They could’ve been directed at our parents, our friends, or even ourselves.
Before reading the book ‘It Ends with Us’ by Colleen Hoover, I’ve also asked those same questions.
In fact, I’ve told my friends that I would never be in an abusive relationship and wouldn’t think twice about asking for a divorce if my partner gets violent or abusive. Now come to think of it, I highly doubt if I’d have had the courage.
Even if I had the courage, I’d have to go a long way to come out of a relationship like that. But it’s important to break the cycle; just like the author says: “It ends with us, you and me.”
The day your partner raises their hands to strike you is the very day you should draw the line. Treating it as a mistake and assuming they’ll change, is when you give them the chance to repeat that same behaviour. You increase your level of tolerance. That’s precisely what some older generations did. They tolerated domestic violence, endured emotional abuse, and tolerated maltreatment.
While I’m happy and proud of those who walk out of abusive relationships, I’m thinking of all those who can’t and are struggling to hate the person they once loved. I understand now. Your pain, your struggle, and your personal war.
I know it’s not easy to move out, to keep your child’s life safe, and to give your children a broken family. But remember, your child doesn’t want a family that only adds more to their plate. Witnessing their mom or dad go through domestic violence is one of the most painful experiences for your child.
Why is it so hard to walk out of an abusive relationship/marriage?
While both men and women face domestic violence, according to a 2019 women’s wellbeing survey done by the Department of Census and Statistics, 20.4% of the 51.6% of women in Sri Lanka were reportedly subjected to domestic violence (physical and sexual) by their intimate partner. It takes a lot of courage and effort for women not to become another statistic. There are several reasons why they can’t walk out of an abusive relationship or marriage faster than men, some of which are listed below.- Most women in abusive relationships are financially dependent on their partners
- They have children and want to give them a “whole” family
- Society normalises unhealthy behaviours, such as abuse
- Emotional abuse hurts you more than you can understand
- The honeymoon phase which is always the plaster
- Walking out is dangerous sometimes (I’m not saying you should stay in an abusive relationship but walking out needs serious planning when it comes to safety for some women)
- Some women feel responsible for their partner’s abusive behaviour
- Some women romanticise “perfect relationships”
- Some women believe in the notion of “work it out, because why not?”
- Some think they can’t walk out because they’re in love.