It’s OKAY to feel

19 Apr 2020

It’s OKAY to feel

19 Apr 2020

By Sakuni Weerasinghe The #AllTheFeels posts on social media convey, albeit with a wry sense of humour, the importance of experiencing our emotions. This is in stark contrast to what most of us are told from the time we begin our interactions with this world. I would be writing this piece seated comfortably in a luxurious mansion if I had a rupee for each time someone said: “ඕවා අඩන්නත් දේවල් ද?” at times of distress. The cultural practice of maintaining a stiff upper lip has managed to seep its way into every aspect of our lives, from schools to offices, and we’re just now starting to recognise its detrimental effects. In this context, it is no wonder that we judge ourselves for being emotional. We often numb our emotions or suppress them in an attempt to act rationally. The “I shouldn’t be feeling like this”, “it’s not appropriate to feel angry”, “I shouldn’t be here in the bathroom stall, hyperventilating and feeling this nervous before a class presentation”, and “I’m such a cry-baby; so weak” kind of self-talk stems from what we’ve heard all our lives. We operate on these unquestioningly as adults; as a result, we experience an added layer of emotions such as shame and guilt for “experiencing emotions” (read as being human). Some of us go on to develop other mechanisms of escapism such as through the consumption of drugs and alcohol, binge-eating or restricting food intake, compulsive sex, self-harm, and other self-injurious behaviour. These swiftly turn into coping mechanisms used on the regular, which is damaging to our wellbeing and could factor in contributing to mental illness. It’s far healthier to embrace our emotions as part of who we are; part and parcel of being human. They are meant to be felt. After all, it is our very own neurobiology that allows us to experience a surge of happiness when we meet our friends or a wave of excitement when we win an award of excellence. It is the same mechanism that underpins the experience of joy, love, pride, and amusement which enables the experience of sadness, anger, frustration, anxiety, and worry. Therefore, it’s only normal to be experiencing both positive and not-so-positive emotions. We ought to remind ourselves and others of this fact now more than ever. If you’re frustrated because of curfew, not being able to engage in a job you love, anxious to see your loved ones again, worried over your own or others’ health, sad seeing the increasing number of cases reported on the news, and/or angry at a higher power for the presence of illness, it’s normal. These are all normal feelings and normal experiences. After all, there’s no right way to respond to a crisis like this. So repeat as much as you need to, that “it’s OKAY to feel”. When considering our evolution, the experience of emotions has understandably ensured our survival, since our neurobiological systems have permitted us to respond to stimuli by forming quick judgments about them and engaging in appropriate behaviours. The limbic system, particularly a structure called the amygdala, contributes to our experience of basic emotions – happiness, surprise, sadness, anger, disgust, and fear. When we experience these basic emotions as a response to a stimulus, we also engage in interpreting our experience (cognitive appraisal) which gives rise to another subset of emotions, referred to as “secondary emotions” such as amusement, contentment, boredom, and annoyance, to name a few. The distinction between the basic and secondary emotions is paralleled by two brain pathways: the fast pathway and the slow pathway. For example, when we see a barking dog approaching us, we take the fast pathway and the thalamus in our brain activates and sends a message immediately to the amygdala, and we quickly decide to move to a safe place (fight or flight). Arousal of secondary emotions is determined by the slow pathway. For example, when we feel jealous over the success of a classmate, this information moves from the thalamus to the frontal lobes of our brain for cognitive analysis and then to the amygdala. As a result, we produce more refined emotions and behavioural responses. What we have to consider though is that we may experience fear as a response to the perceived possibility of contracting an illness such as Covid-19 with the same intensity that we may experience seeing the barking dog. Therefore, it is understandable why we may get overwhelmed and find it difficult to cope with strong emotional experiences. Keeping in mind that the goal is never to eliminate the experience of emotions like sadness, anger, or anxiety in favour of happiness and joy, let’s take a look at how we could cope with strong emotional experiences. Opposite action A behaviour or a set of behaviours often tag along with emotions. Sometimes these behaviours tend to exacerbate our experiences and leave you feeling like you’re spiralling out of control. For example, you may yell and kick things around when you’re feeling angry, or you may shut yourself out and withdraw from friends and family when you’re feeling sad. What if you tried doing the opposite action instead? For example, noticing that you’re feeling angry and then talking as politely as you can. Instead of disconnecting yourself from friends when sad, picking up the phone and talking to a friend may create a change in your emotional experience. Think of a time when you were feeling blue and really didn’t want to get out of your bed, but did it anyway no matter how hard. How did you feel? The act of getting out of the bed may not have had you bouncing off the walls, but it surely would have helped you feel a little less stuck in the blues. Self-soothing with senses Try to engage in self-soothing with senses when you’re experiencing heightened emotions. This is particularly helpful to manage the distress you would experience being at home under curfew, away from close friends. For example, you could engage your sense of sight by flipping through an old photo album, watching a light-hearted rom-com, or dusting off your old water colour set and unleashing your creativity on canvas. You could listen to music or go out to your garden and listen to the squawking of the squirrels and the distant sounds of birds chirping. While you’re in your garden, you could explore the scents of the flowers you have. You could make yourself a batch of chocolate chip cookies – they smell as delicious as they taste. You could also cook dinner for your entire family to enjoy. As for engaging in your sense of touch, you could run yourself a warm bath and make use of those bath salts you’ve been saving for a special occasion, or give yourself a head massage. Paced breathing Taking deep breaths can help you calm down from a heightened state of arousal, lessening the tendency to act on “fight or flight”. Breathe in from your belly and slow down the pace of your inhales and exhales (on average, five to six breaths per minute). It helps if you try to extend your exhales longer than your inhales. Continue to engage in paced breathing until you feel fully calm. Tip: ????? ???????? ?? ??????? ???? ???? ???? ???????? ??? ???? ????? ???????? ?? ??????? ??????? ????! If you’re feeling distressed and/or finding it difficult to cope with your emotional experiences, please contact the following services for further assistance: Crisis Support Service – 1333 National Mental Health Helpline – 1926 Sri Lanka Sumithrayo – 0112 696 666/692 909/683 555 Shanthi Maargam – 0717 639 898 Sri Lanka National Association of Counsellors – 0710 898 473

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It’s OKAY to feel

It’s OKAY to feel

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