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Mastering the concept of being a good loser before you become a good winner

24 Jan 2021

By Patrick de Kretser   Nobody likes to lose. Those are four words that can be applied for anything and everything that we do in life. We are wired as human beings to be competitive, to crave success, and to be good at what we do. Whether it is in the classroom, or the workplace, or the sports field, our human instincts kick in to perform and succeed in whatever we do and to achieve the best possible results. However, despite the many wondrous traits we possess as human beings which subconsciously make us better and more refined, it does not instinctively teach us how to accept defeat or setbacks. When we encounter an obstacle that we slump on or a barrier that we cannot pass, we feel frustration and confusion – especially when we give it our all, we initially cannot understand why our all was not enough and why we receive nothing for all the struggles that we went through. But one of the most important lessons in life is allowing ourselves to learn from our mistakes and to keep our heads high and not give up despite the fact that we encountered a bump in our lives. The good thing about this lesson is that it can be drilled into our heads psychologically over time, since we can learn to control our emotions and allow ourselves to follow a system which will allow us to accept defeat graciously and move on from it with pride. With that being said, below is my personal step-by-step guide to accomplishing that mentality. I highly recommend this article to anyone who finds themselves held back by their own frustrations and feels that every setback puts them two steps behind instead of one step forward.   #1 Start with the little things The concept of accepting setbacks is easier said than done. Anyone can come up to you at the end of a 100 m sprint final which you narrowly lost and tell you that coming second is just as good as being the winner. There is no shame in accepting that you cannot tolerate failure or turn off your competitive desire to excel. After all, accepting that you cannot tolerate failure is already the first step in understanding yourself and understanding how to move forward effectively while maintaining an open mind. So start small with this process. Play a board game with your friends during a casual get-together and remind yourself that you are just playing for a fun experience and any defeat is something that you can just look back on rather than hold a grudge against. These small things may seem miniscule and fairly nonsensical in the grand scheme of things, but they all matter. Following every step is critical to developing the right mentality for approaching a competition. #2 Take your time to recover and understand why you lost Everybody needs a grace period when they suffer a defeat in something that they care about winning, which is why it is important to give yourself space and allow yourself the time to get all your emotions out as soon as possible and then proceed to understand what exactly happened. If you find yourself to be a volatile presence in defeat, which you feel can end with you taking things out on others if they talk to you during this period, find a safe space so that you can keep to yourself and collect your thoughts in a friendly environment which will not agitate you. If that is not possible, then make sure to tell those around you that you need this time to yourself and you need to give yourself time to think before you start listening to everyone else around you. #3 Take responsibility and up your game Arguably the most important rule on this list, responsibility. I found myself suffering a lot early on in life because I refused to be accountable for my actions and chose to instead blame external factors for everything that was plaguing my defeats in life. Naturally, this is no way to move forward at all. Irrespective of whether you are on a competitive sports field or in a hostile office space, do not let yourself be consumed by the negativity around you and allow the toxicity to resonate resentment with everything and everyone in your life. Blaming others for your defeat will not help you grow as an individual, no matter how right you may feel you are. Be the better person, even if you feel like nobody around you is doing the same thing. In times when no one serves to be an example of good sportsmanship or conduct, be it yourself. Set the example for those around you that less time should be spent on complaining and more time should be spent on working to improve yourself and what it is that you are doing.  #4 Stay positive  At the end of the day, it is not all about winning. Life is all about winning and losing and going through ups and downs. There will be hard times, fun times, and sad times on your journey. The key to looking at this with a positive mindset is to first accept that this is the way things are in life. While your parents, colleagues, or trainers might teach you the importance of winning, they should also be teaching you the importance of keeping your head up and realising that the experience counts for just as much as the desire to win. If you do not have those figures in your life, learn to teach yourself. After all, the internet has an ample number of resources which you can turn to if you want to figure out how to better hone a positive mindset.  #5 Never quit  Ultimately, defeat should never deter you from your current path. Regardless of how big or small your setback might be, there is nothing that you learn from simply throwing in the towel and accepting that you will never do better. Accepting defeat does not mean that you should accept quitting, as those are two very different concepts. Accepting defeat means that you accept that losing is a normal part of the process, even if you lost at a time when you were expected to win or do well. I can personally assure you that quitting will haunt you for far longer if you allow that to happen. You might look back on yourself a few years from now and regret that you never tried your luck again at the task you gave up on, which is a feeling that you do not want to have. Everything on this list is something that I had to remind myself of quite a few times in recent history. You will find that quite a lot of this matters more than you might initially think. Approaching a setback with the wrong attitude can send you spiralling down a rabbit hole that will have you breeding resentment towards either others or yourself for your failures, which is something that can hold you back for years if you are not careful. We need to train ourselves to be better people on the field, in the workplace, and at home. We need to set that example for those around us, so that they also learn from our approach and adopt the same strategy for both themselves and for those in their lives. By doing so, we will have mastered the art of being a good loser and a good winner.  PHOTOS ChessBase, Loughborough University, Medium, ColoradoBiz Magazine, People Matters


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