Wear the grudge like a crown of negativity
Calculate what we will or will not tolerate
Desperate to control all and everything
Unable to forgive your scarlet letterman
– The Grudge (2001, Lateralus)
Tool
“Life is tragic and we are all capable of turning into monsters,” said Prof. Jordan Peterson.
The idea that we as humans are infinitesimal beings, and are part of a larger spectacular spectrum, isn’t new. Although concurring that we conjure our own realities, ingraining the worldly lessons handed down to us – which gives us metaphorical and literal value – means aligning our thinking along the lines that life is tragic and that it is religion, social canons, and political boundaries that have worked as bulwarks against the harsh truths absconding the grips of reality.
We are creatures who place a great deal of value in self-glorification and on instant gratification, and thus we are as narcissistic and as nihilistic in nature.
Then it is a given that we are slaves to our emotions at times: love, happiness, confidence, freedom, tolerance, sympathy, compassion, joy…but what of the other end of the yardstick? What of hate, indifference, sorrow, bitterness, jealousy, guilt, depression, loneliness, and anger, as recognisable as they are, prevalent in all our lives?
However, one such negative emotion is the constant, grinding feeling of ill will in the near amorphous shape and form of resentment. Having a deep-seated dislike in persistent rumination about someone who has offended, harmed, or borne you animus is what we call a grudge.
Animus
A grudge can be the equivalent of a heavy object shackled to your conscience, an emotional manacle that you keep dragging all over the place. It holds you back, pins you down, and prevents you from moving on and ahead with your life.
The thing is, how important is a grudge you harbour against someone else, and is it starting to affect your judgment, perception, mindset, attitude, and wellbeing? Is it an obstacle to your personal or professional journey? Is your life’s arc and its trajectory marred by resentments and antipathies?
So why hold grudges?
Isn’t it toxic recalling past grievances and events and clinging onto the negative emotions associated with it? Why do we subject ourselves to prolonged periods of reminiscing over people, situations, circumstances, and problems in our life, hampering our emotional wellbeing as well as our personal growth?
Well, the simple answer is it’s because we are human. And that it is part and parcel of the human condition. We cannot help but think about moments and situations where we have been mistreated, harmed, hurt, taken for granted, overlooked, insulted, demeaned, disregarded, and betrayed.
Believe me, I know. It is no easy feat to rid yourself of sadness, betrayal, remorse, resentment, and anger, simply get over it, and move on with your life as if nothing happened.
It could be a personal issue, a social one, or a work-related incident.
Go ahead, take your pick.
We’ve all experienced it. We’ve all succumbed to mulling over stuff that’s done and dusted and out of our control, be it petty or egregious – grudges can be dangerous when they become staples in our lives.
Quite a problem
Once a grudge you hold starts to cloud your judgment and impact your ability to function, even perform at your optimum levels of competence and capability, once it stifles your growth…
Then it’s quite a problem.
Grudges can lead to disruptions in personal relationships, unproductivity and calamity in professional relationships, and cause discord and disharmony in social settings.
It’s true we cannot help ourselves sometimes. But when your life starts to be controlled by negativity, then the grudge you hold starts to transform and transcend into something far more toxic and detrimental. It becomes hazardous to yourself as it becomes noxious to those around you.
There is a difference between holding onto a grudge and being unable to get over a traumatic experience. University of Washington Psychologist Dr. Meghann Gerber said that “when you’re holding onto a grudge, you’re hanging onto a story about an event and keeping an emotional experience around that, while with significant trauma, you have no choice about the event replaying itself for you”. (www.rightasrain.uwmedicine.org)
Prof. Peterson declared that “happiness is a pointless goal. Don’t compare yourself with other people; compare yourself with who you were yesterday. No one gets away with anything, ever, so take responsibility for your own life”.
Certainly not words that are easy to abide by in a materialistic world where we are driven to mimic the archetypes of existence; proliferating convention and the mundane, worshipping the status quo, conforming to herd mentality, and just adhering to the motions of hoodwinking ourselves that we are a superior species destined for greatness amidst our penchant to wreak prolific socio, cultural, economic, and global downfall.
In a world where greed, gluttony, sloth, pride, lust, wrath, and envy reign unchallenged, harbouring a grudge becomes almost second nature. It’s so commonplace we have normalised it to the point where we live our lives with deep antipathy and resentment harnessed in most areas of our lives, unchecked, unquestioned, rarely unnoticed.
Let’s look at some useful tips for dealing with a grudge:
- Face your problems without fear: Figure out what the problem is, by admitting there is a problem in the first place and where it stems from. Acknowledging it is tough but a valuable first step. After all, you cannot find a solution to a problem if you don’t know and cannot identify what the problem is
- Deal with it: Grudges are often formed when not confronted and left to sit and simmer, until the cup runneth over. Address the issue at its infant stage before your resentment can grow into something more. You’ll need to try and not be judgemental when doing this and find mutual ground to start a narrative and start talking about it. If you feel it’s not the sort of issue you can clear out or clarify with someone else, then work it out on your own and deal with it
- Say (but mean it) “I am sorry”: The more you mean these simple words, the harder they become to say. Consider that not every situation is someone else’s fault. As they say, it takes two to tango. Taking the higher road shows depth of character and wisdom on your part, if you can bring yourself to own up to a fault and apologise for any issues you may have caused with sincerity. It’s true that it may not be your fault entirely, but if you can nip a forest fire in the bud, then a little bruised ego for your personal wellbeing is a small price to pay
- Just do meaningful things: Make an effort to keep yourself occupied and busy with things you are passionate about, are skillful at, and make you feel good about yourself. When you set small, achievable tasks and goals for yourself and accomplish them by rewarding yourself, you will feel self-validation as opposed to needing to seek validation from others. By the time you fulfil bigger tasks and goals, you would have reconditioned yourself to think and feel more about things that bring you comfort, joy, and happiness than that which brings you down
- Nothing else matters: Learn to value yourself and things that have meaning, while also valuing people who really matter. Self-healing will start once you start to value yourself and those people and things in your life that matter most. Work on being the best version of yourself you can be every day. This way you will leave less room for grudges to take root, let alone to sow its seeds
- The substitute: Find ways to let the positive things in your life take antecedence and prominence over those nasty sentiments of resentment. When you stack enough of things that have value, things that are special to you, and what you are truly grateful for, they will tower over your grudges and will make the aforesaid grudges feel more and more insignificant and redundant
- Let it go: When you start to realise that the resentment and bitterness has decreased considerably – and this you will know because you will think of it less in time and it will cease to have the same stressful weight it did before – then you need to reach that point of understanding and trusting yourself to let go of the grudge. This is a big step to take, but it is a juncture where you must consider wiping the slate clean. The best way to exorcise a grudge completely is to forgive the person who has stained your kindness and induced your ire. In life people will upset us, disrespect, demean, and demoralise us. We should not be trapped in resentment, because it will become a prison of our own design. Learn from negative experiences. Sometimes we must forgive to let go. Sometimes we must forget to let go. We might not be able to forgive and forget, but we can try.