By Sakuni Weerasinghe
Having trouble saying “no” to your friends? Exhausted after covering for your colleague and missing out on your own work? Constantly worrying whether you’ve upset your partner for the simplest of things?
Sounds like most of us, doesn’t it?
We place so much importance on other people and their perception of us. In doing so, we may sacrifice parts of ourselves to keep them content. We prioritise their needs and are quick to agree with their values. This begs the question, where do our values and needs fit in? Where do you draw the line when it comes to ensuring the happiness of the people that matter to you most, while at the same time upkeeping your own mental health?
The above description clearly portrays a picture of a people-pleaser. Generally speaking, a people-pleaser is someone who goes out of their way to make others happy. At the outset, this doesn’t sound like a bad thing. There’s nothing that is pointedly wrong about being nice to people and trying to make sure they’re happy. After all, we cannot ignore the fact that our happiness is also tied to the happiness of those around us. And being agreeable is rewarded by our society. Hence, instead of the title “people-pleaser”, people may conveniently ascribe them the title of being “kind”.
The fact remains that these people-pleasing behaviours go beyond being kind and are actually damaging to our mental health. It involves editing parts of ourselves to be approved or liked by others. It involves constantly seeking external validation, repeatedly sacrificing our own needs for another party to get their way, at times behaving based on our assumptions of their needs, remaining in toxic relationships, and expending our resources until we’re left burnt out. The underlying message of these behaviours seems to be “you’re more important than me”.
On the surface, this might not seem that grave of an issue. However, people-pleasing tendencies stem from more deep-rooted concerns such as issues of self-worth and even maltreatment and abuse. As children, we may have learned to earn love and work to win love and the emotional connection from our parents. Hence, we learn to rely on methods of people-pleasing to remain close and connected to our parents; these behaviours continue well into adulthood and would be generalised to other members of society as well.
For us to feel important, liked, accepted, and treated in a humane way, we believe we ought to say “yes” to anyone and everything that is asked of us. Our sense of security, self-worth, and self-confidence is dependent upon external approval. Thus, behaviours of people pleasing are repeated, which then turn into habits which even turn addictive over time.
Owing to the overlap between being kind and people pleasing, we ought to demarcate what these signs of people pleasing are. They include:
- A struggle to say “no”
- Difficulty voicing your own opinions and standing your ground
- Constantly seeking validation and approval from others
- Needing others to like you
- Hypervigilance about perceived rejection from others
- Acting based on what others think of you, or what you assume others think of you
- Low self-worth and low self-esteem
- Prioritising others’ needs over your own
- Apologising or accepting fault even when you’re not to blame
- Conflict avoidance by quickly agreeing with others on the surface, even when you don’t agree deep down
- Feeling upset due to arguments and conflict
- Feelings of frustration and resentfulness
- Suffering at the expense of others or feeling frequently exhausted or burned out as a result of repetitively doing others favours
- Not having down time for yourself or for family and close friends