• What we can learn from the recent murder of a young woman by her ex-boyfriend

The recent murder of a 24-year-old university student named Chathuri at the Colombo Racecourse, to which her ex-boyfriend Pasindu later confessed, left us shocked to the core, but it also taught us a few great lessons. Although this incident is not the first murder to take place over lovers’ rivalry, the gruesome and unexpected nature of the crime drew a lot of public attention.

There have been many murders of a similar nature in recent Sri Lankan history. In February 2022, a 15-year-old girl who was stabbed by her 17-year-old boyfriend died while being transferred from the Kanthale General Hospital to the Kurunegala Teaching Hospital. Local media in 2013 reported an incident where a student attached to the Veterinary Science Faculty of Peradeniya University was stabbed while trying to protect his girlfriend when her former lover tried to attack her with a sharp weapon.

In December 2022, through foreign media reports, we learnt about a Sri Lankan man charged with murder after his wife, a mother of three, was stabbed to death in her home at Sandhurst, Melbourne. Last year, foreign media also reported a case where an Indian man killed his live-in partner and chopped her body into dozens of pieces, and reportedly kept the body parts in a refrigerator and disposed of them in a forest, piece by piece, over three weeks.

Intimate partner violence is more common than we think 

According to Psychology Today, about 40% of all female murder victims globally die at the hands of a former or present spouse or lover. This is also true for 6% of male murder victims. Although men are not completely out of danger, it is a fact that women are substantially more likely than men to be murdered by their intimate partners. Intimate partner violence (IPV), including domestic violence, is also a similar but more burning issue, although it does not receive as much public attention as murder.

A combination of individual, relational, community, and societal factors contribute to the risk of becoming a perpetrator of IPV. Understanding these multilevel factors can help identify various opportunities for prevention. While we do not have substantial information to analyse what may have happened between the couple involved in the recent murder near the Colombo Racecourse, looking at other similar cases, we can try to understand the reasons behind the incident. 

How is it possible to kill someone that we have a deep affection for?

We always understand love as an intense feeling of deep affection. This is also why it leaves us confused when perpetrators sometimes claim to have their intimate partners killed out of love as Pasindu did. It’s not the first time that someone has used “love” as the reason for unacceptable, and even criminal, behaviour. Psychological research suggests that these extreme events of love killings occur because of emotional conflict and dispute. 

These disputes are divided into four kinds:

Breakup disputes: Two individuals are in a relationship and one or both parties propose to take a break or split up for some reason. The reasons for the breakups can be internal or external, including problems with the relationship or a strong external force forcing the split of the two individuals. Breakups are difficult; and especially difficult if it is taking place against the will of one party or both if the reason is external. 

Rival disputes: Any third party that comes between the people who are originally in the relationship can be identified as rivals. This can be another suitor, or another person with a love interest for either party.

Emotional infidelity: Although the phrase is well known, people tend to have different ideas of what it means to be emotionally unfaithful. Broadly, emotional infidelity describes a situation in which an individual in a relationship develops an important emotional connection with someone other than their partner, in a way that crosses a line without necessarily becoming physical.

Courtship rejection: Courtship is understood as behaviour designed to persuade someone to marry or develop a romantic relationship with one. Being rejected when one person has the intention of courtship can easily translate into disputes in love. 

What makes a murderer? 

Following Chathuri’s murder, social media posts mentioned that the perpetrator was undergoing treatment for a psychological condition and this is the reason why the crime was committed. The perception that the said perpetrator is well-educated and receiving a government university education challenged the notion people have that only the poor and uneducated are likely to become murderers or criminals. Is there a link between these factors and crime?

Research suggests that most killers are created through trauma. But it is also important to note that not all trauma creates criminals. Psychologists also talk about the contribution of genetic predisposition, the environment the person is brought up in, childhood abuse and neglect, and issues in an individual’s attachment styles when it comes to factors that make up a criminal. Many killers have expressed feelings of alienation and have shown evidence of harbouring violent fantasies before they commit murders. In some cases, the killer suffers from a mental disorder or brain damage that either inhibits or prevents the social and psychological restrictions humans have against killing other people.

It is always easy to point fingers at perpetrators or their parents/families when a crime is committed. But, it is also important to investigate the role society plays in the formation of a killer. We have to always remember how three fingers are pointing back at us when we point one finger at someone. 

Different people, different perceptions 

If you are frequently on social media, you must have observed how different people sided with different aspects of the incidents. Some people put the total blame on the man who committed the crime, claiming that nothing can be used to justify murder. Then, you may find another group that sides with the perpetrator, claiming that the crime was committed out of love or that the untreated mental health issue was the cause.

Unfortunately, some individuals re-victimise the dead claiming that “she must have asked for it”. The purpose of this article is not to prove any of these groups correct. However, if you have analysed this incident or any incident that grabs public attention, you may have noticed how people have different perceptions of these events. The way they look at the problem shapes their beliefs and attitudes toward the problem accordingly. Sometimes, people create divisions among themselves based on these varying perceptions. 

But why do public perceptions differ? Many factors influence the perceptions of individuals. One’s attitudes, motivations, expectations, behaviour, and interests are some of the factors affecting perception. Human perception is both subjective and objective; it is not permanent and shifts with the new information received, while sometimes it is selective and is mostly shaped by past experiences. It can also be driven by biases and interests. Learning about human perception is generally helpful in many situations, especially, before siding with any. Considering the different points of view will add more value and meaning to your perception and will make your understanding of situations more realistic. 

Stigma on mental health issues

The rumours say Pasindu has been suffering from a mental illness and has been hiding the fact from Chathuri for a long time out of embarrassment. The rumour continues that when Chathuri discovered this, she wanted to break the relationship off and Pasindu was intimidated when she called him crazy. Social media users highlight that this was also one contributing factor which led to the crime. 

Whether true or not, this rumour highlights another social issue we need to combat in Sri Lanka. Stigma against mental health issues is still very high, despite continuous awareness campaigns and programmes. Having spoken with many individuals undergoing mental health issues, the writer is aware of numerous instances where the victims of mental illnesses were re-victimised in their own homes by their nearest and dearest, shaming them for their conditions and calling them “pissa”, “mental”, or “crazy”. This stigma also remains a cause of death by suicide. 

These explanations still fall short of providing a clear picture of how in an individual’s mind or violence can be justified because it was carried out of love. No matter how hard we try to understand it, only one thing is clear – not everything is fair in love and war!

(The writer is a mental health professional and has, over the past 10 years, contributed to several Sri Lankan media publications in both English and Sinhala languages, focusing on topics related to psychology and counselling)