• Most respondents to a poll by ‘The Daily Morning Brunch’ believe love means growing together

From birth onwards, the main driving force of our lives has been love. You will not disagree. Being capable of love is what makes us human, but understanding the concept of love is not an easy task. While poets and philosophers are proficient at defining love, for us – the laymen – understanding love is quite a complex process. The word “love” is a noun and a verb; it is something you give and also receive. Your love can be someone or something that you adore. Love is an expression and an emotion.

As this list can go on forever, The Daily Morning Brunch decided to conduct a survey regarding people’s understanding of love. Not surprisingly, 25% of our sample said that they are yet to figure out the concept of love, while 20% felt that love is a feeling, and 24% believed that it is a commitment. The rest, 31% of our sample, said that love is growing together.

Scientific love

Psychologists define love to be a complex emotion involving strong feelings of affection and tenderness for the person you love, pleasurable sensations in their presence, devotion to their wellbeing, and sensitivity to their reactions towards oneself. Simply put, when you love a person, you experience pleasurable sensations in their presence and are sensitive about their reactions to you.

Research from 2016 published by Indian researcher Krishna G. Seshadri points to neuropeptides and neurotransmitters, chemical messengers, as the source of love. Feelings of love help us form social bonds with others. As social creatures, these natural chemicals help us survive by encouraging mutual support, reproduction, and cooperation.

Contrary to what the poets say, the feeling of love doesn’t occur in our hearts, at least not scientifically. Instead, it happens in our brains when we release hormones like oxytocin, dopamine, adrenaline, testosterone, oestrogen, and vasopressin. These chemicals create a mix of feelings including euphoria, pleasure, and bonding.

According to research, romantic love can be broken down into three categories – lust, attraction, and attachment – and each category is represented by its own set of hormones stemming from the brain. Oestrogen and testosterone are responsible for lust, whereas dopamine, serotonin, and norepinephrine create attraction. Attachment, according to scientists, is created in the combination of oxytocin and vasopressin.

When hormones are released, it makes us feel good, rewarded, and connected to our romantic partners. All of this paints a beautiful picture of love. But we know that love is often accompanied by jealousy, erratic behaviour, and irrationality along with a host of other less-than-positive emotions and moods. People even kill for love. And, it is these same hormones that are also responsible for the downsides of love.

Religion and love

Our religious and cultural teachings also provide different understandings of love. Numerous sources define many kinds of love and we find that there are four main types of love discussed in the Bible and Western traditions.

Eros: Eros is erotic/sexual and passionate love. It’s often more about the person who is experiencing sexual attraction rather than about the person or thing that is the focus of this type of love.

Philia: Philia means close friendship or brotherly love in Greek. It can be the love between lovers when they’ve been together for a long time and is the accepting love of good friendship.

Storge: This refers to the love of parents for children and is described as a natural form of affection or love.

Agape: Agape is the fatherly love of God for humans as well as the human reciprocal love for God. In the Buddhist tradition, it is the central foundation of loving kindness for all mankind.

The Buddhist definition of love is simpler. In the Buddha’s teachings, the word for love is “maitrī” in Sanskrit or “mettā” in Pali and simply means wanting others to be happy. Love in Hinduism is a sacrament. It preaches that there is no selfishness in love, which does not expect anything in return. It also believes that “God is love”. Muslims believe that God is so loving that he recreated his attribute of love as an instinct within us.

When love is problematic

Experts recognise that certain patterns of behaviour can become problematic and even addictive. Yet addiction to love isn’t an official diagnosis and there are no official criteria or symptoms that characterise when love is a problem. However, a few key patterns in our behaviour in the context of our relationships may invite some deeper exploration.

Intrusive thoughts: It’s typical to find our minds preoccupied with a love interest during the honeymoon phase. But if pervasive thoughts about a particular person, or the idea of love in general, start to negatively affect any area of our lives, that may pose some reasons for concern.

Separation anxiety: Missing a person you love is something we commonly experience. But if you feel unbearable distress when they’re not around, it might indicate an unhealthy fixation in your mind. You may even find yourself avoiding circumstances that would separate you from your love interest.

Serial monogamy: It may become a problem if you move from relationship to relationship, not out of fear of being alone but from an overwhelming or insatiable desire to feel loved. This too can be identified as an unhealthy fixation of our minds.

Avoiding other areas of life: If you find yourself spending a lot of time with the person you love and you focus on thoughts of them when you can’t be together to avoid painful or unwanted thoughts and feelings, then this is also a red flag that needs to be looked into.

Being stuck in toxic love: Even when a relationship becomes potentially toxic or beyond repair, some make frantic efforts to maintain it. This causes a lot of harm to a person psychologically in the name of love.

If you find yourself no longer enjoying hobbies or activities that used to excite you and you feel that your partner or relationship are the main reasons for you to live or you grapple with feelings of hopelessness when you aren’t with your partner, this too could indicate unhealthy behaviour patterns. If you’ve noticed any of the signs above, it may be worth connecting with a mental health professional for support.

(The writer is a mental health professional and has, over the past 10 years, contributed to several Sri Lankan media publications in both English and Sinhala languages, focusing on topics related to psychology and counselling)

Comments from respondents of the survey

“Love is a choice. We are not loveable all the time, especially in our ugliest moments, but when others choose to love us even during those times, then it’s real. It’s the same with loving yourself. It’s not always easy. Sometimes you physically have to will it, but that choice – to choose yourself – that kind of love is strong”

– Nish

“Love is a necessity and it comes in many forms – the love of a mother, of a father, of a sibling, of your significant other, etc. It’s a necessity to live because it leads to happiness. So love in any form makes a man/woman happy”

– Ashfaaq

“It’s a pain in the butt when it’s both good and bad”

– Pandu 

“Hope, I guess. Hope that we will find a sense of belonging and purpose in a way that makes things better; hope that we won’t forget to look out for each other – because regardless of where we are going on this insignificant blue speck in a boundless universe, we are making the journey there together”

– Mifi Kay

“Love is a prison. It makes us insane”

– Anonymous 

“It’s a commitment and also means growing together. What’s the point in being committed if one party chooses to be stubborn and refuses to grow and learn in life?”

– Hannah

“Love is a way of life. It should be our lifestyle so that it won’t be framed as something limited to a mere relationship that ends up in marriage”

– Augusta Emilini

“It is a mix of everything on your list and more. It is subjective at a point, yet it becomes objective from person to person”

– Thivanka Vithanage