• Understanding how children are affected by parents’ arguments 

As adults, we often face situations where we don’t agree with one another, even with our partners. While we may enter a relationship or get married because of a strong emotional or physical connection and shared values, life doesn’t always go the way we expect.

Many couples decide to have children when they believe their union can create a loving and stable environment. And for many, it does. But even the purest form of love, sometimes, must face one of life’s certainties: Change. Over time, differences can surface. Sometimes, couples grow apart. Some choose to separate, while others stay and try to reconnect with what once brought them together. In that effort, disagreements and arguments may arise.

Fighting and arguing can take a toll on everyone involved. But we must not forget the ones who are most affected, yet have no say in the situation: The children. It’s true that when couples face problems, they need to explore better ways of communicating and work towards understanding. However, it’s equally important to consider how conflicts impact children. They often feel the emotional weight of tension at home, even if they don’t fully understand it.

Not too young to understand

A child’s brain develops in stages. Depending on their age and maturity, they may struggle to grasp what is happening between their parents. Younger children, in particular, tend to see the world in an egocentric way. When we say a young child is egocentric, it means that they mostly see the world from their own point of view. They don’t yet fully understand that other people can have different thoughts, feelings, or reasons for doing things. So, if something bad happens, like their parents fighting, they might think it’s because of them, even if it has nothing to do with them.

Imagine growing up with the belief that you are the reason your parents are unhappy, that the two people you love most are in pain because of you. The emotional burden of this belief can be deeply traumatic and leave lasting wounds. 

Worrying about safety

Sometimes, children begin to worry deeply about their parents – their safety, their wellbeing, and whether things at home are going to be okay. They may live with a constant feeling of unease or fear, carrying the heavy thought: “What if something bad happens to the people I love the most?” This ongoing sense of danger can leave a lasting mark on a child’s emotional world.

When children feel unsafe emotionally, it can show up in their daily lives too. They might find it hard to focus at school, lose interest in things they once enjoyed, or often seem sad or withdrawn. Their minds may be filled with worry, making it difficult for them to be fully present in the moment. Over time, this can affect their self-esteem, their ability to form healthy relationships, and even how they see the world.

This is why it’s so important to support children through these moments, not only by finding healthier ways to handle conflict as adults, but also by making sure children feel safe, loved, and heard. Unless children are given the right support, these experiences can shape their emotional world for years to come.

Older children feel it too

While younger children may not understand what’s happening, older children and teenagers often do. They might grasp the reasons behind their parents’ arguments more clearly, but that doesn’t make it any easier for them. In fact, it can sometimes be even harder.

Older children may start to take sides, feel caught in the middle, or even try to take on adult responsibilities, trying to ‘fix’ things at home. This can lead to stress, guilt, or emotional exhaustion. They might feel angry, confused, or helpless. Some may withdraw from family life, while others may act out, feeling frustrated and unsure of where to turn.

These emotional struggles can also affect their friendships, school performance, and how they view relationships in the future. If they grow up constantly exposed to conflict, they may begin to believe that love always comes with pain, or that arguments are just a normal part of every relationship.

That’s why it’s so important to speak openly with older children and reassure them that they are not responsible for adult problems. 

How do we resolve this? 

It’s true that conflict is a natural part of any relationship. No two people will agree on everything all the time, not even when you are parents. But when disagreements happen often or get intense, it’s important to think about how they might affect the children who witness them. The emotional consequences can sometimes go beyond what we see on the surface, affecting a child’s daily life, behaviour, and long-term mental health.

So how can we protect children from the negative effects of conflict, while still being real about the challenges we face as adults? Try to model healthy communication, even in disagreements. That doesn’t mean avoiding hard conversations, but choosing your words carefully, using a calm tone, and listening to each other. When children see respectful problem solving, they learn that conflicts can be handled without yelling, blame, or fear.

If your child has witnessed an argument, check in with them. Reassure them that they are not to blame and that adults sometimes disagree, but it doesn’t mean the family is falling apart. Let them express how they feel. You don’t need to explain every detail, just enough to give them a sense of emotional security.

If arguments feel repetitive, intense, or rooted in deeper pain, consider speaking to a therapist or counsellor. Sometimes, unresolved wounds from your own childhood can resurface in your adult relationships. 

Walk away, if you must

Not everyone feels ready to get help or change overnight. That’s okay. But at the very least, take your arguments to a private space, away from your child. It may sound simple, but this one decision can protect their sense of safety more than you realise. Every child deserves to grow up feeling safe, loved, and emotionally secure. When we take small but mindful steps, we not only care for our children, but we ourselves might begin to heal.

(The writer is a mental health professional and has over the past 13 years contributed to several Sri Lankan media publications in both English and Sinhala languages, focusing on topics related to psychology and counselling)