Have you ever found yourself delaying an important work project, even though you know you might miss the deadline? Once the deadline passes, you’re left feeling guilty and anxious, questioning your ability to succeed. Or maybe you can remember avoiding a difficult conversation with someone close to you. You know the discussion is necessary to resolve an issue, but you keep putting it off out of fear of conflict or discomfort. As time goes on, the situation worsens, and when you finally face it, the guilt and stress of not addressing it earlier make you doubt your ability to handle relationships well.
Situations like these, often referred to as acts of self-sabotage, involve undermining one’s own progress and can be confusing and frustrating to understand. It may seem irrational. Why would someone willingly get in their own way and hinder their chances of success? Yet, self-sabotaging behaviour often functions as a defence mechanism, designed to shield individuals from perceived threats, discomfort, or emotional pain. While it may seem irrational to hinder one’s success, psychologists say this behaviour is often deeply rooted in fears, insecurities, or past experiences.
Feeling unworthy
For some, success can be just as daunting as failure. When people fear success, they may struggle with feelings of unworthiness, doubting their right to enjoy the accomplishments they’ve worked hard for. They may even dread the new responsibilities or higher expectations that come with success. In some cases, even after achieving something significant, they avoid accepting the recognition and praise that follows.
Consider someone on the verge of a promotion at work. Instead of embracing the opportunity, they begin procrastinating on key projects. Why? Because they’re afraid of being exposed as unqualified or a fraud, despite their clear track record of success. This is imposter syndrome at play, a persistent belief that they don’t truly deserve their achievements. This fear of being ‘found out’ often leads people to undermine their own progress, so they can avoid the imagined risk of being labelled an ‘imposter’.
A student who excels academically may intentionally miss deadlines or underperform in exams. They may fear that continuous success will lead to high expectations from family, friends, or society, which feels overwhelming. By sabotaging their performance, they ensure that they are not placed on a pedestal where they may struggle to maintain perfection.
Fear of failure
The fear of failure can be paralysing, leading to self-sabotage as a way to prevent the pain of falling short. Rather than confronting failure head-on, individuals sometimes pre-emptively derail their own efforts. Think of an athlete training for an important competition. As the event approaches, they start skipping practices or making excuses not to attend. Their fear of not winning makes them subconsciously undermine their chances, ensuring that if they fail, it’s not because they weren’t good enough but because they didn’t try hard enough.
Some might simply opt to maintain their comfortable zone. A person stuck in an unfulfilling job might turn down better job offers because the unknown terrifies them more than their current dissatisfaction. Although they want change, the fear of leaving their comfort zone makes them self-sabotage their chances of moving forward.
Self-oriented thinking
Low self-esteem can create a vicious cycle, often resulting in a self-fulfilling prophecy. When individuals believe they are bound to fail, they may unconsciously act in ways that make this belief come true. For instance, someone with chronic low self-esteem might stop investing effort into relationships because they expect them to fail. If they believe they are unworthy of love, they may neglect communication or act emotionally distant.
Over time, this behaviour can cause the relationship to deteriorate, confirming their belief that they are not deserving of meaningful connections. Psychologists refer to this phenomenon as a self-fulfilling prophecy, where negative beliefs shape behaviours that ultimately reinforce those beliefs.
Moreover, fear of rejection can lead people to avoid opportunities that could lead to success. In an attempt to protect themselves from potential criticism or failure, they choose not to take risks or put their work out into the world. While this avoidance may provide temporary relief, it ultimately prevents them from achieving their full potential and realising their goals. Instead of facing the possibility of rejection, they sabotage their own chances of success, allowing fear to dictate their actions.
Seeking control
It’s important to recognise that self-sabotage can create an illusion of control. By intentionally causing their own setbacks, people may feel they are managing their failures rather than being surprised by external factors.
For instance, a person facing financial difficulties might intentionally make poor spending decisions. This behaviour provides a sense of control over their situation, allowing them to believe they are in charge of their own difficulties, rather than feeling exposed to unpredictable financial challenges.
Similarly, someone might sabotage a new relationship by initiating conflicts or creating emotional distance. Their fear of intimacy and potential hurt leads them to end the relationship prematurely. In doing so, they believe they are protecting themselves, but this also prevents them from forming deeper, more meaningful connections.
Previous negative experiences
Self-sabotage can be a way of managing unresolved trauma or negative experiences. Individuals who have endured emotional pain may find comfort in repeating familiar patterns, even if they are destructive. For someone who has experienced childhood abuse, success and happiness may feel foreign. This person might repeatedly undermine their own happiness by choosing toxic relationships or environments that mirror the instability they’ve known, because it feels safer than stepping into the unknown world of stability and contentment.
Similarly, a person who has experienced significant loss might avoid emotional engagement with new opportunities. By sabotaging relationships or career advancements, they shield themselves from future pain. For example, they use substances to dull their emotions, avoiding the intensity of their trauma but also cutting themselves off from positive experiences.
How to overcome this
Recognising and understanding the roots of self-sabotage is important if you want meaningful change. Seeking professional help, such as therapy, can provide valuable tools for addressing fears and insecurities in healthier ways. In addition to professional support, there are personal strategies that individuals can adopt to combat self-sabotage.
Practising self-awareness is one such approach. Regular reflection on one’s thoughts and behaviours, through methods like journaling, can help in identifying and understanding patterns of self-sabotage. Setting realistic goals is another important step; by breaking down larger objectives into smaller, manageable tasks and celebrating incremental successes, individuals can build confidence and mitigate feelings of overwhelm.
Challenging negative beliefs is also essential. Build a supportive network of friends who can provide encouragement and constructive feedback. By increasing self-awareness and incorporating these practical steps, you can break free from self-destructive patterns and create a path toward lasting success and fulfilment.
(The writer is a mental health professional and has, over the past 11 years, contributed to several Sri Lankan media publications in both English and Sinhala languages, focusing on topics related to psychology and counselling)