A funeral house, many kilometres away from Colombo. Villagers, including the family of the deceased, gather around and talk. Even though it’s a funeral, many different topics come up – politics, current affairs, and more. Grief also becomes part of the conversation now and then, showing how people have different thoughts about someone passing away. These thoughts are often shaped by religion and folk beliefs.
In our culture, grief goes beyond simple sadness. It’s deeply connected to how we understand death, shaped by traditions and beliefs about life and the afterlife.
“It’s not right to cry while the body is still here. It makes it difficult for the departed to move on,” someone says. “Yes, their attachment to our sadness can hold them back,” another agrees.
“Keeping the house peaceful helps the soul find rest,” adds someone else. But a different voice cuts through: “I don’t believe in any of this nonsense. People made these things up to comfort themselves.”
These kinds of beliefs and practices aren’t unique to funerals. They touch all major life events in our culture and subcultures, from birth to milestones. These beliefs lead to specific rituals and customs.
This makes you wonder: Are these ideas and practices just empty thoughts with no real value? Or did our ancestors pass them down for a reason, a purpose that might have been forgotten over time, leaving only the rituals behind?
Not just one culture
What’s interesting is that even though some might see these practices as unscientific or outdated, perhaps even a product of a limited island mindset, many cultures worldwide have their own unique beliefs and rituals surrounding significant life events, even in countries considered developed. This suggests that these practices might serve a deeper purpose beyond mere superstition or comfort.
Just like the diverse beliefs we heard at the funeral, our culture has many rituals surrounding important life events like birth and death. These practices aren’t only shaped by religion. They are also influenced by traditions passed down through generations, family customs, and even the stories people have heard growing up. They often vary depending on specific subcultures within our society, the ethnic group a person belongs to, and even the region or village they come from.
Some of these rituals are followed because they bring a sense of order and meaning during emotional times. Others help people feel connected to their ancestors or to something greater than themselves. Certain practices may also be done out of respect, for the person who has passed away, for the community, or to ensure good fortune and protection for those who are still living.
Common rituals
More prominently, following a death, you’ll notice a set of customs that people often observe. Things like cleaning the house, keeping an oil lamp lit, and performing rituals on the seventh day are common. Giving away the belongings of the deceased, especially items they used frequently, is also a practice. While these actions are part of tradition, they also provide structure for the bereaved family during a difficult period. It might seem like a list of tasks for the family coping with the loss, but it can also be seen as a gradual way of coming to terms with the loss.
The funeral itself and the days that follow involve several observances. Events like the ‘mala batha’ (offering food after funeral rites), the seventh-day almsgiving, and later remembrance ceremonies at three months and one year are seen as important duties. However, these occasions also offer time; time for reflection, for remembering, and for slowly adjusting to a life without the person who has passed.
Another interesting custom which has been replaced by catering services is serving food to the family of the diseased and the visitors coming from far. In the initial days after a death, it’s customary for the immediate family and people who live in the same house not to cook. The kitchen fire remains unlit.
Neighbours often step in to prepare and provide meals. This act goes beyond simply providing sustenance; it’s a gesture of care and solidarity. It brings people together to talk, to share memories, to express their grief, and sometimes even to find moments of gentle laughter. These shared moments contribute to the healing process. Interestingly, similar customs of community support during bereavement can be found in various cultures around the world.
Deeper meanings
Rituals don’t erase the pain of loss, but they offer a structured way to navigate it, step by step. Participating in ceremonies, listening to religious teachings or chants, or simply spending time with others who understand can be helpful in processing grief. Even the act of giving alms can take on a deeper meaning; someone who feels they didn’t do enough for the person while they were alive might find solace in performing this act of generosity in their memory. It can feel like a small way to express continued affection.
During funeral ceremonies, speeches and eulogies often focus on the positive qualities and contributions of the deceased. This act of remembrance also helps to keep the memory of the loved one alive and can aid in the grieving process by highlighting the positive aspects of their life.
What we can see is that rituals provide a meaningful framework for confronting death. We can’t frame most of these as just empty traditions as they carry cultural significance that helps individuals and communities navigate this challenging human experience. The most important role of mourning and bereavement rituals is in helping people cope with loss. These rituals offer opportunities for those grieving to express their feelings and share memories of the person who has died. They also serve to bring people together, offering comfort and mutual support during a painful time.
(The writer is a mental health professional and has, over the past 13 years, contributed to several Sri Lankan media publications in both English and Sinhala languages, focusing on topics related to psychology and counselling)