Are friends truly everything? Sometimes, it feels like that, doesn’t it? There’s a beautiful story from the time of the Buddha. One day, Ananda Thera said to the Buddha: “Lord, I believe that having good friends, good companions, and good comrades is half of the spiritual life.”
To his surprise, the Buddha replied: “No, Ananda. Don’t say that. Having good friends, good companions, and good comrades is the entire spiritual life.” This is what’s written in religious scriptures, but we can agree on how powerful and essential friendships are and can be, not just in spiritual journeys, but in life itself. Good friends are the foundation that supports us through everything.
If we take a moment to reflect on our own lives, we can see how our friendships have changed and grown over time. We first began making friends in nursery or preschool, although back then we didn’t really understand what friendship meant. It was mostly about who shared toys or snacks.
Around the age of seven, friendships started to feel more meaningful. We began seeking connection, laughter, trust, and companionship. As we’ve grown older, the way we experience friendship and what we need from it has evolved too.
In childhood, we looked for friends to play with. In our teenage years, we looked for friends who understood us, supported us, and shared similar interests. And in adulthood, our friendships often become deeper and more intentional. We begin to value qualities like loyalty, honesty, emotional support, and shared values more than just common hobbies. Our needs from friendships evolve from simple, surface-level connections to rich, meaningful bonds.
Transitioning to adult friendships
As we grow older, something shifts in the way we experience friendships. It’s not that we stop valuing our friends, in fact, we probably appreciate them more than ever. But adult life brings with it a long list of responsibilities like work deadlines, family duties, studies, personal goals, and more and this list never seems to end. You’ve probably seen those memes shared around that adult friendships are just people saying ‘Let’s meet soon!’ for years until someone finally plans it. And this is the case most of the time.
In childhood or even during school years, seeing friends was easy. You’d meet every day at school, hang out during breaks, or walk home together. In university, you’d study together, grab meals, or just randomly bump into each other. But adulthood is different. Meeting a friend sometimes requires pre-planning and multiple calendar checks.
However, what we need to remember amidst all this is that this doesn’t necessarily mean the bond has faded, but it does mean we need to put in more effort. Prioritising friendships becomes harder when you’re pulled in so many directions. And because of that, adult friendships often face challenges like miscommunication, feelings of neglect, or just slowly drifting apart, not out of intention, but simply due to life getting in the way.
Having to let go of friends
One of the hardest parts of growing up is realising that not all friendships are meant to last forever. Some friendships are lucky, they grow and evolve alongside us. These are the rare ones that survive every life transition like changing schools, jobs, cities, countries, and even versions of ourselves. But the difficult truth is, not all friendships follow that path.
And that’s okay. As we grow, we change our interests, values, goals, and even the way we see the world. Naturally, there are times when a friendship that once felt so close no longer feels the same. It’s not necessarily because something went wrong. Sometimes, it’s just that you and the other person have evolved in different directions. The connection that once felt effortless starts to feel strained. Conversations feel more forced than free. And the bond may quietly fade.
Yet, letting go isn’t always easy. Nostalgia can keep us holding on. The memories and sometimes the belief that ‘real friends stay forever’ can make us feel guilty for even thinking about moving on. Sometimes we cling to a friendship that no longer fits, out of loyalty, or the fear of being seen as selfish.
Next thing we need to remember is that not all friendships are meant to last a lifetime. Some were perfect for a particular season of life, and that’s what makes them meaningful. Trying to force a connection that no longer aligns can drain our energy and leave us feeling heavy and unsettled.
When things become too difficult
Growing apart is just one way adult friendships can change. But sometimes, the shift is deeper and more difficult. Not all friendships are good for us. Some become toxic, leaving us feeling drained, insecure, or emotionally unsettled. A toxic friendship isn’t just about a fight or a misunderstanding. It’s about a pattern when someone consistently makes you feel small, guilty, anxious, or unsupported.
For example, it could be a friend who constantly criticises you, who competes with you in everything, who only shows up when they need something, or who makes you feel bad for setting boundaries. Sometimes, it can be more subtle like a feeling that you’re always walking on eggshells or that you’re never truly seen or heard.
Letting go of a toxic or expired friendship can be one of the hardest but most necessary steps for your wellbeing. The best way to start is by reflecting honestly on how the friendship makes you feel. Do you feel safe, respected, and supported, or do you often feel judged, drained, or anxious? Sometimes, setting healthy boundaries can help improve the relationship, but if those boundaries aren’t respected, it may be a sign that the friendship is no longer healthy.
If you feel it’s appropriate, consider having an open and kind conversation about your feelings; in other cases, especially when the other person is manipulative or dismissive, slowly distancing yourself might help.
Also, remember that grieving the loss is normal, and during this time, it might help to reach out to someone you trust, whether it’s a family member or another friend. If the emotional toll feels too heavy, don’t hesitate to seek support from a counsellor. Most importantly, remember you’re not alone. Many go through the quiet heartbreak of ending a friendship, even if they don’t talk about it.
Letting go doesn’t mean you don’t care. It means you’re acknowledging growth, yours and also theirs. It means making space in your life for relationships that nourish you, rather than exhaust you. Understanding that friendships, like any other part of life, can have natural beginnings and endings helps us move forward with more peace and less guilt.
(The writer is a mental health professional and has, over the past 13 years, contributed to several Sri Lankan media publications in both English and Sinhala languages, focusing on topics related to psychology and counselling)