The recent film adaptation of Colleen Hoover’s popular novel ‘It Ends with Us’ garnered significant attention, though not all of it was positive. Released last August, the movie faced renewed scrutiny after news reports claimed Blake Lively (playing Lily Bloom) had sued its lead actor and director, Justin Baldoni, for sexual harassment. However, according to media reports, no credible accusations were ever made against Baldoni by Lively.
While the novel achieved widespread success, the film received criticism for its lack of cinematic quality. Despite these critiques, the story tackles an important issue: Intimate partner violence (IPV) and domestic abuse. It highlights the silent suffering many women endure, encouraging essential discussions about these topics.
A significant global issue
Intimate partner violence is one of the most common forms of violence against women worldwide and continues to be a significant global issue. In Sri Lanka, a legal framework designed to protect women was established with the Domestic Violence Act in 2005.
In 2019, Sri Lanka’s Department of Census and Statistics conducted the first national survey focused on violence against women, known as the Women’s Wellbeing Survey (WWS). This survey, which covered all 25 districts, interviewed over 2,200 women aged 15 and older.
The results showed that one in five (20.4%) women who had ever been in a relationship experienced physical or sexual violence from a partner at some point in their lives. The survey also explored how women cope with such violence and found that nearly half (49.3%) of those who experienced sexual violence from a partner did not seek formal help.
Reasons
Research has identified several interconnected factors that contribute to IPV. Certain personal experiences and characteristics are said to increase the likelihood of either perpetrating or experiencing IPV. A history of abuse, for instance, plays a significant role. Individuals who were subjected to or witnessed abuse during childhood are more likely to normalise such behaviour in their own relationships.
Mental health challenges, such as depression, anxiety, or personality disorders, can also heighten the risk of IPV. These conditions may impair emotional regulation or amplify feelings of insecurity and aggression. Similarly, substance abuse, including the misuse of alcohol and drugs, often leads to impaired judgment and escalated aggression, further increasing the likelihood of violent behaviour.
Power imbalance
Another critical factor is anger and hostility. Individuals who struggle to manage anger or exhibit a generally hostile demeanour may resort to violence during conflicts. Low self-esteem also contributes to IPV, as some individuals attempt to assert dominance or control over their partners to compensate for feelings of inadequacy.
Power imbalances within a relationship are another key factor. When one partner exercises excessive control over the other, whether emotionally, physically, or even financially, it fosters an environment that can easily turn abusive.
Economic stress also plays a substantial role. Financial difficulties, including job loss or debt, can increase tension and strain in a relationship, sometimes leading to violent outbursts. Additionally, unhealthy family dynamics, such as exposure to violence or dysfunction within the household, can normalise aggressive behaviour, perpetuating cycles of abuse.
Many victims stay in abusive relationships out of fear of retaliation. Abusers often threaten to harm the victim, their children, or themselves if the victim attempts to leave or seek help. In some cases, abusers manipulate their victims emotionally, creating a cycle of control. They shift between abusive behaviour and affection, leaving victims confused and hopeful for change. This cycle can lead to emotional dependence, causing victims to cling to the relationship despite the harm.
Tolerating IPV
Despite the significant harm caused by intimate partner violence, many victims remain in abusive relationships. Several factors contribute to this tolerance of abuse, creating barriers that prevent victims from seeking help or escaping their situations.
One major reason is the lack of social support, which often leaves victims feeling trapped. Abusers may deliberately isolate their partners from family, friends, and other support networks, making it more difficult for victims to reach out for help. This is a common experience shared by many victims. Without a trusted social circle to provide emotional and practical support, victims may feel they have no one to turn to, deepening their dependence on the abuser.
Economic instability is a significant reason why victims tolerate intimate partner violence. Financial hardships, like unemployment, overcrowding, and limited access to resources, can heighten stress within households. Victims who rely financially on their partners, especially when that partner is the sole breadwinner, may fear losing their homes, being unable to support themselves or their children, or encountering even greater financial difficulties if they decide to leave.
Cultural beliefs and societal expectations can normalise intimate partner violence, making it challenging for victims to recognise that the abuse is unacceptable. In societies where violence is viewed as a private issue or where traditional gender roles are prevalent, victims often feel pressured to remain silent and endure the abuse to preserve their family’s honour or maintain social approval. Such norms frequently discourage victims from seeking legal or social intervention, which further perpetuates the cycle of violence. We saw this reflected in the movie with Lily Bloom’s parents; her mother chose to stay with her abusive husband and continued to speak positively about him even after his death.
Feelings of shame and fear of judgment can prevent victims from seeking help. Many worry about being blamed for the abuse or seen as failures for leaving, which often leads them to suffer in silence. Society has conditioned them to believe that women in the family are responsible for keeping things together, while it is considered a man’s nature to be strong and sometimes abusive. Some women even develop the mindset that they somehow deserve this harassment, viewing it as a form of punishment for their perceived wrongdoings.
Breaking the silence
To break the cycle of IPV, it is essential to raise awareness, challenge harmful norms, and improve access to support for victims, allowing them to regain their safety and autonomy.
The movie highlights this issue, although not as powerfully as it could have. Lily Bloom realises that she is also a victim of IPV, just like her mother was. She decides to take a step back and remove herself from the situation. While it may seem like an easy choice for her in the story, it is often far more complicated in reality, especially when love or romantic feelings toward the perpetrator are involved.
We are currently witnessing significant progress in addressing this issue, both locally and globally, which can be attributed to increased education and awareness. However, it is also important to note that perceptions have shifted; rather than viewing perpetrators simply as aggressive figures, some now recognise them as individuals who may have been victims of abuse themselves at some point in their lives. It is crucial that they receive help to improve their lives, particularly regarding mental health and psychiatric support.
With continued awareness and improvements in support services, there is hope that this terrible social issue can come to an end, allowing partners to feel more secure and autonomous within their relationships.
(The writer is a mental health professional and has, over the past 11 years, contributed to several Sri Lankan media publications in both English and Sinhala languages, focusing on topics related to psychology and counselling)
If you’re affected by the above content or if you/someone you know may be dealing with a similar situation, the following institutions would assist you:
Ministry of Child Development and Women’s Affairs helpline: 1938
Women In Need (WIN) 24-hour hotline: 077 567 6555
Sri Lanka Police Child and Women Bureau: 011 244 4444