“We accept the love we think we deserve” ― Stephen Chbosky, The Perks of Being a Wallflower

If you are familiar with Stephen Chbosky’s The Perks of Being a Wallflower, the above quote may have made you reflect on the love you have experienced, accepted, rejected, or was unrequited. This exceptional novel delves into Chbosky’s perspective on love, friendship, and mental health struggles, challenges our perception of love and addresses the uncertainties we may have about the type of love we desire. The more you read this quote over and over, the more you will realise how it relates to your own love experiences.

Furthermore, this quote can open up discussions on various psychological themes associated with love. These themes encompass self-worth, self-perception, attachment styles, learned behaviours, biases, and other psychological factors that influence our choices in matters of love.

Types of love

Love takes on many forms and can be found in different relationships and experiences. Needless to say, romantic love is the exciting and passionate connection between partners in a romantic relationship. Familial love is the deep bond shared among family members, like the love between parents and children or siblings. We also have platonic love, which is the caring and supportive connection we have usually with our friends. Self-love is the important practice of caring for and valuing ourselves.

In addition, compassionate love is when we show kindness and empathy towards others, wanting to ease their suffering. We talk about this mostly in religious contexts. Agape love is a selfless and unconditional love that extends to all beings. It is often associated with spiritual or philosophical teachings that emphasise empathy, kindness, and the wellbeing of others. Lastly, erotic love encompasses the physical attraction and desire we experience in intimate relationships.

The love needs

Abraham Maslow’s love needs, also known as belongingness and love needs, are a crucial aspect of his hierarchy of needs. These needs reflect our innate desire for social connections, affection, and a sense of belonging. Maslow believed that once our physiological and safety needs are met, we seek to fulfil our love needs. These needs involve forming meaningful relationships, experiencing intimacy, and feeling accepted and valued by others. Meeting our love needs contributes to our emotional wellbeing, social connections, and overall sense of fulfilment.

Love and belongingness needs refer to the desire for intimate relationships, friendships, and a sense of connection and acceptance within a social group. Maslow suggests that when our love and belongingness needs are not met, we may experience a sense of deficiency and dissatisfaction. He believed that the fulfilment of these needs is essential for our psychological wellbeing and personal growth. 



Self-worth and self-esteem

Psychologists emphasise that self-perception and the love we allow ourselves to receive have a close connection. They suggest that individuals with low self-esteem or a negative self-image may settle for less in relationships because they believe they are unworthy of better treatment or love. Our self-concept, which includes our beliefs, thoughts, and feelings about ourselves, influences how we perceive and accept love from others. If we have a negative self-concept, we may believe that we don’t deserve love or that we are inherently flawed, leading us to accept less than what we truly deserve.

Imagine a person who has struggled with low self-esteem for most of their life. Maybe growing up in an environment where they were constantly criticised and made to feel inadequate. As a result, they may develop a negative self-image and often doubt their worthiness of love and affection.

Now, let’s say this person enters into a romantic relationship with an individual who is emotionally distant and occasionally disrespectful towards them and often disregards their feelings and needs, making them feel unimportant and unloved. Despite these negative behaviours, they might remain in the relationship because deep down, they believe that they don’t deserve any better. This pattern of settling for less in relationships can be attributed to low self-esteem and negative self-perception. 

More explanations 

Attachment styles in psychology suggest that the way we form emotional bonds with our caregivers when we are young can affect how we relate to others in our adult relationships. It says that if we have insecure attachment styles, like being anxious or avoidant, it can be difficult for us to accept healthy love because of fears, doubts, or patterns we learned when we were kids. Our childhood experiences play a significant role in shaping our beliefs about love and relationships. If we grew up in an environment where love was conditional, inconsistent, or abusive, we may internalise these experiences and accept similar treatment as adults because it feels familiar or normal to us. Some of us may also struggle with accepting love because we have difficulty accessing and expressing our own emotions. We may have learned to suppress or downplay our emotional needs, which can make it challenging to accept love or believe we deserve it. 

Cognitive biases are ways our minds can trick us into thinking or making decisions in certain patterns, even when those patterns might not be accurate or logical. Our thought patterns and cognitive biases can influence how we perceive love and relationships. For example, individuals with negative self-talk or a tendency to focus on their flaws may discount or dismiss expressions of love, leading them to accept less than they deserve.

Getting help

If you’re having trouble accepting healthy love or facing challenges in your relationships, there are several ways to seek help. Consider reaching out to a therapist or counsellor who specialises in relationship issues or attachment styles. Supportive friend groups can also provide a sense of understanding when there are relatable experiences shared. 

If you’re already in a relationship, it’s important to talk openly and honestly with your partner. Communication is key, and going to couples therapy can be helpful. Most importantly, take care of yourself and be kind to yourself. Seeking help shows strength and can lead to personal growth and healthier relationships. Remember to love and care for yourself before looking out for the love you think you deserve. When you prioritise self-love and truly connect with yourself, you will open yourself up to accepting the kind of love you truly deserve.

(The writer is a mental health professional and has, over the past 10 years, contributed to several Sri Lankan media publications in both English and Sinhala languages, focusing on topics related to psychology and counselling.)