A young boy comes in for counselling. He doesn’t come alone – his friend brings him, worried about the sudden change in his behaviour. This boy, usually cheerful and playful, has become quiet and withdrawn. He looks sad and keeps to himself. His friend recently found out that he had gone through a breakup. No one even knew he was in a relationship.
Sitting with the counsellor, the boy finally opens up. He says: “It feels like the moments just after a funeral – after the body has been buried and all the relatives have left. There’s a deep loneliness and a heavy, ominous silence hanging in the air. It’s just like that… except this funeral is happening inside me, and no one else can see it.”
He is grieving – not a death, but the end of a relationship. And that grief is very real.
Why does this happen? Why can a breakup hurt so much?
Of course, not everyone feels the same way. It depends on many factors, such as our emotional attachment, personality, life experiences, and the circumstances of the breakup. But for some people, breakups can feel deeply painful.
The biology
When we fall in love or feel close to someone, our brain releases ‘feel-good’ chemicals like oxytocin and dopamine. Oxytocin helps us bond and feel connected, while dopamine gives us a sense of pleasure and happiness. These chemicals are part of why love can feel so exciting, comforting, and even addictive.
But when a relationship ends, the brain suddenly stops receiving that same flow of chemicals. According to experts, this drop can feel like a kind of emotional withdrawal, very similar to how people feel when they stop using a drug. That’s why breakups can lead to intense sadness, anxiety, or even physical pain. Your brain and body are adjusting to the sudden loss of something they were used to.
Romantic love is an investment
Romantic love, while shared between two people, is also a deep emotional investment. You give your time, energy, and emotions. You might even dream of a future together. Even if you don’t expect much in return, you at least hope for togetherness.
So when the relationship ends, it can feel like that entire investment is suddenly lost. You lose not just the person, but also the future you had imagined with them. Even if those plans were only in your mind, even if they were never shared, they were still real to you. And losing them can feel like losing a part of yourself.
Rejection and self-blame
One of the most painful parts of a breakup is the feeling of rejection. That sense of ‘I wasn’t chosen’ or ‘I wasn’t enough.’ These can hit hard and deeply affect your self-worth. This feeling of rejection isn’t limited to breakups alone. It can also happen in toxic relationships – when you stay and try your best, but still feel unloved or unappreciated. You might start to believe that you’re the problem.
These thoughts can lead to self-blame. Even when you’ve done nothing wrong, you might feel like everything was your fault. And over time, this can deeply damage your confidence and self-image.
Not getting closure
Moreover, when a relationship ends suddenly, without warning or explanation, it can leave behind a deep sense of unfinished business. You might find yourself stuck in a loop of ‘what ifs’ and ‘if onlys.’
You may feel upset that you didn’t get to do certain things for them like say goodbye properly or show them how much they meant to you. Maybe you had something important to tell them, but you never got the chance.
Sometimes, when everything is over, your mind can still replay past conversations. And suddenly, you think of the perfect thing you could have said. Maybe during an argument, you reacted with anger and said something you didn’t mean and now you regret those words. Or maybe you didn’t say enough, and now you’re left with thoughts like ‘Why didn’t I just say I loved them, one last time?’
It is quite natural that these thoughts linger. They create an emotional ache that comes not just from losing the person, but from losing the chance to express something important. Closure doesn’t always come from the other person. Sometimes, it has to come from within, through acceptance that not all the stories will have a perfect ending.
Other life stressors
Going through a breakup is already painful but, when there are other stressors in life happening at the same time, it can make things feel even heavier. If you’re already dealing with academic pressure, family problems, friendships issues, or other emotional struggles, the breakup can feel like too much to handle at once.
These added stressors can make feelings of low self-worth, rejection, or loneliness even stronger. Coping becomes harder, not because you’re weak, but because you’re carrying too much all at once.
How we handle breakups also depends on our personality traits and coping style. For example, if you’re someone who tends to keep emotions bottled up or struggle with setting boundaries and being assertive, you might find it harder to deal with emotional pain.
That’s why understanding how you normally react to stress is important. If you’re finding it too hard to manage everything on your own, it’s okay to reach out and talk to someone you trust, or seek support from a counselor.
Seeking support is okay
No matter how strong, mature, or self-aware a person is, grieving a deep emotional loss can still be overwhelming. Some people are able to cope with the pain on their own or with the support of friends and family. Others may find it harder and that’s completely okay.
One thing is clear: As human beings, we form deep emotional bonds, especially in romantic relationships. When those bonds break, it can feel like a part of you has been torn away. The sadness, confusion, and emptiness can be very real.
If you’re finding it too difficult to cope with this kind of loss, or if it feels like you’re stuck and can’t move forward, it’s always a good idea to reach out for help. Talking to a qualified mental health professional can make a big difference. You don’t have to go through it alone, support is there, and it’s okay to ask for it.
(The writer is a mental health professional and has, over the past 13 years, contributed to several Sri Lankan media publications in both English and Sinhala languages, focusing on topics related to psychology and counselling)