Loving another human being is a quest. Feeling love is very simple and often comes to us effortlessly. But feeling loved – or making another person feel loved – is often a complex task.
Sometimes, even with the purest forms of love, we can still be misunderstood. To explore this, it’s essential to probe how one understands the concept of love and how they believe love should be expressed.
A common story
Let’s look at a common problem that we encounter in couple/marriage counselling rooms. For the purpose of this article, let’s discuss this common problem through the fictional couple, Nayana and Shalini.
Shalini and Nayana got married after a brief love affair, believing they knew each other’s backgrounds comprehensively and had full acceptance of each other. However, a few years into the marriage, complaints started to emerge.
Shalini’s main complaint was that Nayana expected her to behave like a typical wife, handling all the house chores like a dutiful homemaker. Being a working woman, Shalini expected her husband to take on 50% of the household tasks, especially since she was also contributing financially to the family’s welfare. She felt that Nayana didn’t care about her and treated her like a maid.
On the other hand, Nayana felt that Shalini didn’t care much about his welfare and that he didn’t feel loved. He suspected that her lack of expressing love might have meant she no longer had any love to give him – even though it had only been a few years into their marriage.
Not as simple as it seems
Seemingly, this is a simple problem. But resolving it requires us to look deeply into the different aspects of the two individuals’ worlds now joined in a common union. It’s understood that when we enter a relationship, we come with a lot of differences rather than commonalities. Sometimes, accepting these differences requires changing our attitudes and the knowledge systems we have created for ourselves.
Shalini grew up in an environment where both her parents worked, and household responsibilities were shared equally. She grew up observing her father supporting her mother and helping the system stay stable. She perceived this as love between a married couple and internalised the idea that a loving husband is someone who shares responsibilities and involvement. This system worked well for her until she met a husband who learned love between partners in an entirely different way.
Nayana grew up in a family where his father worked and his mother was a housewife. His mother managed all the household work on her own and believed that she shouldn’t burden her husband with domestic tasks. In the mornings, she woke up earlier than her husband to ensure food and everything else were ready for him to leave for work without any issues. In the evenings, she made sure he came back to a warm cup of tea and a neat, tidy home.
Observing this as a child, Nayana learned that this was how a wife showed love to her husband.
A new learning
The clash between them started when these two systems – systems they each believed to be true – were challenged. Moving forward, both Shalini and Nayana will have to unlearn what they perceived as love and relearn how they are going to express their love for each other.
Our knowledge system creates strong emotional frameworks around what we believe is right or true about relationships. Although in theory, unlearning and relearning sounds simple, in the counseling room it’s a much slower and more delicate process. It requires acknowledging the deep emotional attachments people have to their old systems of belief – not only because they make sense intellectually, but because they are tied to early experiences of feeling safe, loved, and valued.
Healing, therefore, is not simply about changing behaviours. It’s about rebuilding meanings together.
Beyond Shalini and Nayana
While Shalini and Nayana’s story revolves around housework and responsibilities, in other relationships, misunderstandings about love can show up in many different forms.
For example, some couples may experience disconnection when expectations about gift-giving are mismatched where one partner may expect thoughtful presents as a way of feeling cherished, while the other may see love more through actions or time spent together, not material things.
Some others might struggle with the use of affectionate language. One partner may crave hearing sweet words – ‘I love you,’ ‘I’m proud of you,’ or ‘You mean the world to me’ – while the other, perhaps coming from a background where emotions were not openly verbalised, might find it unnatural or even unnecessary to say such things aloud.
More deeply, even sexual intimacy can be a misunderstood language of love. For some, physical closeness is a primary way of feeling loved and connected. For others, emotional closeness outside the bedroom – through shared experiences, conversations, and daily affection – may be the true foundation for intimacy. These are just a few examples out of many and when these differences go unspoken, partners can end up feeling rejected, lonely, or unloved, even when no harm is intended.
It’s not about who’s right or wrong
It’s important to remember that in relationships, the goal is not to determine whose model of love is right or wrong. It is about building a shared understanding – a language of love that allows both individuals to feel seen, respected, and valued. Furthermore, love is not a rigid formula inherited from the past. It is a living, evolving act of commitment. It is the willingness to listen, to adapt, and to grow together over time.
(The writer is a mental health professional and has, over the past 13 years, contributed to several Sri Lankan media publications in both English and Sinhala languages, focusing on topics related to psychology and counselling)