• The dark side of TikTok’s ‘boyfriend rules’ trend

Just this past week, a new TikTok trend began circulating under the label of ‘boyfriend rules.’ In these videos, young women list out restrictions their boyfriends have placed on them within their relationships. 

The rules are strikingly similar across posts: whether they are ‘allowed’ to cut or colour their hair, how they can dress, whether they may wear makeup, if they can go out at night, whether they can maintain friendships with the opposite sex, whether they can get tattoos, and other deeply personal choices.

Unsurprisingly, the trend sparked significant discourse online. These so-called rules are not simply about relationship boundaries but touch directly on matters of autonomy, especially body autonomy for women, and raise broader questions about consent and control. While some commenters expressed discomfort, many others brushed it off, framing the rules as harmless and even ‘protective,’ insisting they were rooted in love rather than domination.

But the reactions raise troubling questions. Is it really love when one partner dictates the other’s choices? Or is it a reflection of a more insidious, controlling dynamic? Why is it that men appear to be the ones making these rules for women and not the other way around? 

For many critics, this trend has become a mirror of Sri Lanka’s still-conservative attitudes towards gender roles, revealing how normalised restrictions on women’s freedom remain, even in the guise of ‘care.’

What makes this trend even more concerning is TikTok’s audience itself. The platform is dominated by young, impressionable users, many of whom are still forming their ideas about relationships. When videos romanticising control take centre stage, it raises an urgent question: what kind of message are we passing on to the next generation?

What was also interesting to note was the dynamic brought in by older creators who joined the conversation. While the majority of the posters seemed to be young, mostly teenagers or women in their 20s, a handful of more mature voices shared their perspectives. 

They pointed out that with age, your perception of relationships often changed. The way you deal with a partner, the expectations you hold, and what you value in a relationship can shift dramatically over time.

Some of these creators even suggested that enduring controlling behaviour was ‘part of the process,’ with the idea that once you get married, the wife eventually takes the reins. While framed as reassurance, this too raises troubling questions. 

Must women really endure restrictive behaviour in their youth, waiting patiently for a supposed shift in power after marriage? Why should any individual have to tolerate control over their autonomy as a rite of passage into a more equal future?

This narrative reveals another layer of the problem: the persistence of deeply patriarchal mindsets that normalise endurance, compromise, and control as natural stages of a woman’s life. And while younger TikTok users may frame ‘boyfriend rules’ as protective or even romantic, the older generation’s framing of enduring now to gain freedom later suggests that these cycles of control and compromise are deeply embedded in our cultural psyche.

‘Need to nurture mutual respect’

In exploring the public’s perception of this trend, The Sunday Morning Brunch reached out to several readers for their thoughts. 

Jaya Karunaratne, as a married woman, expressed deep concern about the belief systems being normalised among young people.

“I am kind of shocked to hear of something like this,” Jaya admitted. “I assumed that the internet generation would be somewhat more progressive than this. I do wonder if some of these posters are very young and I think the media plays a big role. 

“A lot of shows today like to portray domineering men, aggressively controlling their girlfriends, and that gets romanticised. I wonder if these children are taking cues from that kind of media portrayal and confusing it with real love. If that is the case, then it is very concerning. Fantasy should be kept as fantasy.”

For Jaya, the concern is that such portrayals could lead to long-term consequences. “If they are applying this to their real lives, they may end up making mistakes that will affect them for years. I hope they are young enough to learn and unlearn, but it is worrying. I hope these young girls come to their senses soon and realise that if you do not build a good, strong, equal partnership, if you don’t have that foundation of give-and-take, your relationship will not flourish.”

Reflecting on her own marriage, she added: “What I have learnt is that a relationship is truly a partnership. It’s not always a perfect 50/50. It’s about give and take; you give what you can when you can and your partner does the same. You meet each other in the middle because you care about each other and there is empathy. That mutual respect is something you need to nurture. You don’t marry someone who is going to be your father or your principal.”

‘Control disguised as love’

Sumithra Murage also expressed deep concern, particularly around the cultural gaps in understanding consent. 

“I think there is a cultural issue with consent,” she said. “There is a lack of genuine awareness of what consent means. Because if you agree to rules like this in your relationship, which is meant to be a partnership, then that is a blatant erosion of your consent.”

For her, the issue lies in how one-sided restrictions get normalised. “When rules are imposed unilaterally, it undermines the concept of mutual respect and consent in relationships,” she explained. “Framing restrictions as ‘cute couple content’ masks deeper issues of control and reinforces unhealthy relationship dynamics.”

Sumithra also linked the trend to broader patriarchal narratives. “The cultural notion that husbands and boyfriends take over the role of the father highlights how women are rarely seen as independent adults in their own right. The idea that setting rules equals care reinforces patriarchal thinking, where women are expected to be ‘protected’ rather than trusted as equals. In reality, it is control disguised as love.”

‘It’s not a partnership, it’s possession’

Brunch also thought it would be important to include a male perspective on this trend. Mahen Thapa emphasised how troubling it was when men believed they had the right to control their partners’ choices. “It is quite concerning when men believe that they have a right to control what their girlfriend is doing,” he said.

Mahen reflected on his own relationship as a contrast. “I have a partner who I respect deeply; she is my other half, my true and equal partner. I go to her for advice just as she comes to me, and that balance is the foundation of our relationship,” he explained. 

“I am especially concerned about the bodily autonomy aspect of this. I can only imagine, if I even attempted — not that I ever would — to control what my girlfriend wears or does to her face or her hair, it would feel like a dystopian situation. Her body is hers and my body is mine.”

He acknowledged that couples sometimes coordinated on practical things, but drew a sharp line between mutuality and control. “There is no dictating how one should dress or how one should carry themselves. Of course, when we are going out together, and if the event demands it, we might coordinate outfits or talk about whether we would like to match. But those are simple things friends, coworkers, or partners do. What we’re seeing with this trend is something else entirely, it’s quite insane,” he said.

Mahen also reflected on attitudes he had seen among other men. “I do know people I’ve associated with in the past, men who genuinely believe their wives or girlfriends must maintain a certain level of decorum as if it’s their duty. But to me, that means they don’t see their partners as real partners. In their minds, it’s not a partnership, it’s possession. It’s about obtaining someone in order to control them and that’s not what love or respect looks like.”

‘What’s mine is yours’

Sharing his thoughts, Shyam Galappaththi reflected on both his own long marriage and the cultural shifts he had witnessed over time. 

“I have been married for nearly three decades, and I can tell you that, while in the past, the idea was that women did not have a lot of autonomy, things have slowly begun to change,” he said. “Traditionally, women’s financial freedom and security only came after marriage. Before that, they were under the control of their father, and after marriage, they came under the control of their husband.”

He noted that even among his peers, this inequality was clear. “Even though my own wife was a career woman and worked, I knew many whose wives did not. These women’s finances depended entirely on their husband and they would even have to ask for permission to use money. That was the norm for many families,” he recalled.

At the same time, Shyam emphasised that some men did take steps to correct this imbalance. “I know men who made sure their finances were shared equally. What’s mine is yours, that is marriage. And I think that’s how you should begin your relationship as well, even as boyfriend and girlfriend. It should be a partnership from the start.”

He expressed concern over the current TikTok trend in light of these histories. “If there is this troubling notion of control in young relationships today, it is incredibly problematic. I urge these young girls to leave such relationships if they feel they must ask for permission to do simple things like wear makeup, which, as I understand, is something many young women enjoy. A partner who treats you like that is not respecting you as an equal.”

Building real relationships 

The ‘boyfriend rules’ trend may appear on the surface as harmless couple content, but the voices we heard from our readers reveal something much deeper. At its heart, it reflects longstanding patriarchal attitudes that normalise control and disguise it as care. 

Whether through young women joking about restrictions or older generations justifying endurance, the conversation points to one undeniable truth: real relationships are built on equality, respect, and mutual trust, not permission and control. 

If today’s youth are to reshape the culture they inherit, then rejecting these outdated notions of ownership disguised as love is the first and most important step.

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