• Understanding mental health challenges in a marriage

‘Irugapatru’ (Hold Tight) is a Kollywood movie that swept romance off my list and slapped me with reality last year. Before I dive into the topic, readers please note that this article does not in any way encourage holding on to abusive marriages/relationships. 

The butterfly period

You just got married. You are in a comfortable hotel room with your husband and it’s like a fairytale. The two of you have already forgotten where your mobile phones are and all you can think about are the butterflies in your stomach. 

I think one of the biggest mistakes that couples tend to make during their honeymoon phase is thinking that it would last long because they are ‘not like the other couples’. However, the work at hand is to find ways to keep these butterflies alive and make you two stand out.

Communication is everything

Easier said than done. Being women, communication somehow is not our cup of tea. While anxiety and a series of depressive episodes have been a part of your traumatised past, communicating with your partner in a healthy relationship can be a nightmare. However, if your partner is understanding, he is definitely going to stay patient until you crack the bubble. 

Here’s the deal. Your past trauma and mental health can have a massive impact on your communication. I am not a love guru but the way to tackle this is to communicate the most difficult topics. ‘Hearing you chew loudly as you eat makes me feel anxious,’ ‘I need at least one hour of alone time, it helps me reflect and come back,’ ‘Do you really want a kid now?,’ or even the smallest yet difficult conversations that you might want to skip like, ‘I think you need a haircut’ need to be communicated. And before you do, always ensure your partner is in the position to communicate too. Communicate everything and anything. This not only helps your mental health but also immensely contributes to your partner’s mental peace. 

Love yourself first

I am laughing right now as I write this and hear my husband shouting from the kitchen. ‘Did you finish your water at the office today?’. I mean, loving yourself can be very hard when you are always about giving love to others. But prioritising yourself and your mental health is key to ensuring that the relationship is balanced. Simply put; you cannot pour from an empty vessel. Always ask yourself, ‘How can I hold him tight if I am letting myself loose?’

Opposites attract

I married him because he’s the female version of myself – this is the biggest scam you’ll ever entertain yourself with. Your partner and you come from different backgrounds, hold different personalities, and can definitely have different ways of life. Even the little things like which side of the bed you find to be comfortable or if you want to sleep with the AC on or off matter. A motto to live by here is to be water when he’s fire. Life does get interesting and this works magic on your mental health. 

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To hold tight or let loose will definitely be a question. Any married couple that tells you they have never felt this way is either lying to you or hasn’t still got comfortable with each other. While as individuals you battle with your own mental health struggles, compromising, understanding, appreciating, enjoying the little moments in life, and being grateful for one another can automatically hold you both strong in an unbreakable string. However, if there comes a time when you or your partner wants to let loose, that’s when you know it’s time to put your relationship on a whiteboard again. Re-evaluate; you built a future together; do you really want to let loose or fix it and hold tight?