Brunch

Colombo Confessions: : A note to Colombo’s dusty trophy wives

Colombo Confessions is all about having a laugh. I’ve had the misfortune of associating with a wide cross-section of Colombo denizens. This column is a look at the lighter (sometimes) side of Lankans in the capital of Sri Lanka.

To all the leathery hags running amok in Colombo, moisturising works, darling, I am living proof. Here I am in my 40s (wouldn’t you like to know which end) and my inner thighs are warm and soft just like fresh chapatis. That charming visual aside, you really don’t need all these expensive (and, of course, branded) potions and lotions that the hoi polloi rather loudly invest in. Rather, all you need is a good dose of aloe vera on your skin to make it glow with glee. Aloe vera and lime juice help keep your skin toned and firm just like a baby’s bottom. Skimp on the expensive branded nonsense that you compel your sometimes expensive-looking husband to buy you. All the potions and lotions won’t do to keep you in the pole position of being a trophy wife.

Here’s an important tip: It’s the consumption of sugar that leads to the breaking down of collagen, which in turn leads to your scraggy face looking like the cliffs of Dover. Consider this at your next high tea with the rest of your socialite harpies or when you are trying to seduce some young man while your poor husband is away working his heart out (or slapping a younger person’s bottom, as the case may be). What you should do, besides cutting down on your sugar consumption (and yes, that includes cocktails), is dry brush your face ever so slightly. Dry brushing leads to (you guessed it!) blood flow. Although, I’m quite sure (having seen most of you when fashion shows were in existence) that your ageing hearts might have quite a lot to do already with just keeping you standing.

Another simple (but very hush-hush) trick to help you with your ageing skin is this. Spank yourselves. My firm belief that all of you need to be solidly spanked for other reasons aside, our bottoms have the largest degree of fat deposits, and no blood flow. While your husbands are probably too busy slapping someone else’s bottom on the side, a useful solution for many high-class aunties is getting one of these muscled toy boys to treat rear cheeks like punching bags. For their health, of course.

It’s true that after a few years, all trophies need a bottle or two of Brasso to keep them gleaming,  even if they reside in an antique cupboard just gathering dust. But remember this: Gravity will come for all of us. As much as you like staying above gravity wearing your expensive Louboutins, you’ll end up in the ground just like the rest of us. At the rate these trophy wives are going through the bank accounts of their rich husbands, the husbands are sure to form the opinion: If I were single, my pockets would jingle.

The point I’m trying to make here, my darlings, is that while youth is certainly on its way out, you can still show some affection to your permanent sugar daddy. After all, isn’t it what they say about love, that it is something that is endearing and long-lasting? But that is something that is not present in your life. Am I not right, socialite granny? Love, along with fidelity, loyalty, and honour, has ended up in the antique cupboard where dust and spiders are the order of the day.

 

(Rohitha Perera is a writer, blogger, and content marketer from Colombo, Sri Lanka. He used to be an editor at a lifestyle magazine, and now works in the IT industry)

The views and opinions expressed in this column are those of the author, and do not necessarily reflect those of this publication.